Comfort

The Bible says that God is the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort. He comforts us in all our troubles. Why? So that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.

Well, in the past month and a half, God has truly, truly been our source of comfort. Knowing that he's in control and that Alicia's life is in his hands that brings us comfort. Knowing that God is good and God is love. That brings us comfort. But as the Bible says, comfort is not just for ourselves, he comforts us so that we can be his hands and feet and comfort others.

The other night during our evening visit with Alicia, I noticed a new father in our little section of the NICU. I had noticed that his daughter had moved in the day before, but this was my first time seeing the dad. Sometimes while I'm in the NICU, I like to look around and observe the other families. Well, as I lifted my head and looked over at this new dad, I noticed his head was bowed, his hands were folded, his eyes were closed - he was praying.

Later, after saying goodbye to Alicia, we left the NICU. As we turned the corner to go to the elevator, I saw this new dad sitting by himself in a corner, eyes all red, tears streaming down his face, broken. It reminded me a lot of the first few times that I visited Alicia in the NICU. We asked the dad if we could pray for him, and he said sure. So I sat down next to him, placed my hand on his shoulder and in my broken Chinese, began to pray. After the prayer, we sat and talked with the dad for a bit and asked him about his daughter. She was born at 38 weeks, so unlike most of the other kids in the NICU she wasn't a preemie. She was in there because she had a problem with her intestines and needed surgery. As I was sitting there talking to the man, I realized, it's never easy seeing your kid in intensive care. OK, it's never easy seeing any loved ones in intensive care. So what if he doesn't need to face the same problems and questions that we have to face. He's got his own set of problems. And honestly, any time in the NICU is really hard to take when your kid's life is in the balance.

Added to his stress was that his wife had lost a lot of blood during the delivery, so she was laid up in bed for a few days. We talked with him some more and just encouraged him. And God allowed us to use our story to give him hope. We told him about Alicia. And he asked how old she was when she came out, we said, 25 weeks. And he asked, how much did she weigh? Was she about 1000 grams? Linda and I looked at each other and smiled. "No," we told him, "She was only 654 grams." You should have seen the shock on his face. We told him that we understood his pain and his anxiety. It's hard to see your child connected to wires, and to hear the news that they need surgery, it's hard to take. But we assured him that the doctors at our hospital were seasoned and would take good care of his daughter. We also told him that if our daughter could survive, then there was definitely lots of hope for his little girl as well. His spirits seemed to lift somewhat after our conversation. Praise God. He asked us what church we went to, and we told him that we went to a church in Taipei. He said that he hadn't been to church in a long time. He's been wanting to take his wife, but his wife hasn't been interested. I turned to him and said, "Well, when your wife doesn't want to listen to you, talk to God and ask him to speak to her. It works." =) Linda agreed, and said that often as I'm asking God to talk to her, she's doing the same with him about me.

After telling him that we would continue to pray for him and his family and that we would ask our friends to do the same, we said our goodbyes and told him that we would see him in the morning.

I have no doubt that his daughter is going to be fine. We did see him the next morning and his daughter made it through the surgery well. She's still in the NICU recovering, but I have no doubt that soon enough she'll be moved "upstairs" and on her way home.

God really gave my spirit a boost through this experience. I mean it's been something I've known from the beginning, that God is allowing us to go through this experience so we can be a comfort and blessing to others. Granted, we would have been perfectly happy not to have to be a comfort and blessing to others in this area, we understand God's plans are higher than ours.

So for those of you who pray, please pray for Mr. Lu, his wife and his daughter. This is their second child, I believe, so they've got another child at home that he's got to take care of as well. Not easy. But I believe God will bring them through. Pray that God would also use this chance to woo them back to himself.

Linda and I are doing well. We are seeing more and more of the light at the end of the tunnel. Alicia is doing better and better. We definitely are nowhere near the end of the journey whatsoever, but the hope is brighter and brighter that we'll be able to take our daughter home.

Alicia has gained a good amount of weight over the past week. She dropped two grams yesterday, but that's fine. The nurses say that sometimes one poopie diaper can mean the difference of 20 grams. So, no biggie. We're sure she'll gain it back in no time. She truly is adorable and continues to delight us with her funny expressions and movements.

The physical therapist (PT) came and took a look at her yesterday and said that everything looks pretty good. She's got good muscle tone and good control over her limbs. One of her shoulders and hips are a bit weaker but at this point they're not too concerned. The PT thinks it could be from the way that she's been lying. She hasn't has as much opportunity to exercise that part of her body. He recommended that the nurses change up her position more often. There is a potential that the weakness is a result of the brain damage, but it's not conclusive. They'll need to do followup with her as she gets older in order to make any clear assessment. It looks like we'll need to visit the doctors every few months or so during Alicia's first few years. With preemies, the earlier they catch developmental problems the better. There are exercises and things we can do to help her develop stronger muscles. So you could pray for that too. Pray for her muscle development to continue to get stronger and stronger. And any damage of the brain to be healed and restored.

Her breathing is getting better and better. I believe, but I'll need to confirm, that at this point other than when she's eating she does well with the vent set at 21% oxygen. Regular room air is 21% oxygen, so if she can continue to get enough oxygen from this vent setting, then she can come off the ventilator soon. The main problem right now comes when she eats and when she has mucus. When she eats, her oxygen levels are still unsteady, but as I said previously, even in her unsteadiness she's able to recover with less and less help and lower and lower settings. She's getting better at taking in the air herself. When she does breathe, she can get enough oxygen on her own. The problem comes that for some reason she forgets to breathe when she's eating. Maybe too much going on at once, or she gets to comfortable and just sleeps too deeply. She also continues to collect a lot of mucus, but again that's normal for kids her age. They don't know how to clear it out themselves, so we just pray once again for things to develop quickly, so she can breathe better on her own.

Doctors are pretty optimistic about Alicia's outlook. Even the doom and gloom doctors say that she's doing pretty well. Oh, I forgot to mention that when the PT was examining Alicia, her oxygen levels and heart rate held steady, which is a great thing. Preemies don't like too much stimulation, so when they're moved around too much, they can stop breathing or their heartrates will drop or go really high. But hers held steady which the PT was actually pleasantly surprised about, so praise God! =)

Onward! I've been hearing from many people that you read this blog faithfully. That's a huge encouragement. I'm glad that we can stay connected with friends and family this way. Please don't hesitate to write us e-mails or call us. We would love to hear from you.

Prayer request summary:

1. Muscle development. That she would be strong, well coordinated, and able to control her body well.

2. Brain development. Brain damage would be eliminated and healed. Brain would mature and start controlling the bodily functions that need to be controlled.

3. Lung development. Clear out the mucus. And also be able to get efficient at taking in air.

4. Physical development. Pray that she can eat, and take in the calories and get physically bigger and stronger.

5. Emotional/Mental development. Pray against trauma from this time in the NICU and that she would grow up confident and strong. Pray that she would be smart and intelligent.

6. Sensory development. Pray that her senses would develop well. Our bodies are truly complex and many things need to work together well for us to function in this world. Pray that everything would be sharp and clear. And pray against overstimulation. She doesn't like that. =)

Thanks friends!

Her Smile and Pressing On

We experienced one of the most beautiful things last night. We saw Alicia smile for the first time. It was adorable. I tried to get some pictures of it, but I was so excited, I only got a few blurry shots. Our little girl, so precious.

Our little girl seriously has this way of just winning hearts. One of the nurses told us today that when she saw her smiling for the first time, she called some of the nurses over and they were all crowding around Alicia's incubator just watching her. I love it.

Alicia is also filling out more and more, which is really great to see. She's up to 798 grams today, up from 784 grams yesterday and 770 grams the day before. She's averaging about 14 grams a day. If she keeps growing at this rate, in two more weeks she'll break the 1000 gram mark. (1000 grams = 1 kilo = 2.2 lbs) Her chest has smoothed out a lot and is no longer concave and her limbs continue to get thicker. She continues to move around a lot and can even lift her head a bit now. We're really delighted at her progress.

Her breathing is getting stronger. She's still on the ventilator, but the settings today were pretty low. We pray and ask the Lord to get the ventilator settings lower and lower and to quickly get her weaned off it as soon as possible. She still has some trouble breathing when she eats but she's getting better at keeping her oxygen levels up with less and less help from the ventilator. Our little girl is growing up. =)

Definitely, I'm learning as I said in my last post, it's all relative. Alicia fluctuates up and down and what I'm finding is that as long as her fluctuations remain within a certain range, the doctors aren't too concerned.

Today, during our morning visit, the nurses greeted all the parents informing us that some of the incubators have been moved so to check the posted list. Alicia wasn't on the list. And I thought, of course, she wouldn't be. She's still small. There's no reason to move her. =) But now Alicia has a bunch of new neighbors. Several new kiddies were born in the past few days and have moved into the NICU, making our little section of the ICU packed with activity. All of these kiddos came out at a later gestational age, so they are much bigger than Alicia, and will probably move out of the NICU sooner. And even though it seems like we're being left behind, it's OK. We trust in God's timing. The important thing is that our little girl is getting healthier and stronger each day and we're thankful for that.

I'll be honest, though, it's hard not to compare. Seeing other kids coming in and out, here one day and then gone the next, I have to wonder when it will be our turn. It seems like kids are transitioning in and out every week, yet we are still in the same spot. As I was thinking about it just now, I was like, why does this situation seem so familiar? People coming and going, but us still in the same place, doing the "same thing." And then I realized that our time in Taiwan has been very much like this. Taiwan is a very transitional place, especially for foreign friends like ours. People come and go, friends are in and out of our lives. We're constantly meeting new friends and saying see you later to old ones. And for years we've asked God when it's time for us to go. When do we get to go "home"? And his answer has always been, "Not yet." Meanwhile, we've got friends who were here before us, leaving and moving back. We've got friends who came after us, packing up and leaving. And there's a constant flow of new people moving in. Everyone else seems to be moving on, but us.

But then I look at reality and I realize, we're not in the same place. Perhaps physically we're in the same spot - in Taiwan, in incubator number 13. Outwardly things may appear to be the same, but nothing is the same. We are making progress, slowly and steadily. Great news with Alicia is that she will come home, we will eventually move out of incubator number 13. As for going home to the U.S., I don't know if that will ever happen. But that's OK, we've kind of made a new home here in Taiwan. And again, things are completely different than when we first arrived. Alicia too is very different and her condition is leaps and bounds ahead of when she first arrived in this world. So we thank God that even though it seems like we're "stuck" that he's still working. And that even though it seems like nothing has changed, the truth is everything is always changing all around us.

So I want to encourage those of you out there reading this who feel like, "Where is my miracle?" When do I get to move on?" Maybe all of your friends are getting married, having kids, getting on with their lives, but you're still single with no prospects. Maybe all of your peers are finding their callings and gaining success in their careers, but you're still lost and trying to figure yourself out. Maybe you're still living at home, wondering when it will be your time to get out into the world on your own. God has his timing. And just because it doesn't look like anything is changing, that doesn't mean that God isn't working. And that doesn't mean that things aren't moving forward.

Our job? We stay faithful. We continue to do the things that God calls us to do, and press on day by day. We continue to pray. We continue to trust. But we stay faithful. For Linda and I, it's faithfully going to the hospital every day, twice a day. It's praying for our little girl. For Linda, faithfully expressing the milk for Alicia to drink. For me, to faithfully write this blog and to keep connected with everyone. For you, it may be to be faithful in a job that you hate, doing the best that you can and offering your all for God. Or it may be about maintaining your relationships, and learning to enjoy the phase of life that God has placed you in right now.

You may ask, "What if my day never comes?" "What if I never get that promotion?" "What if I never find my true calling?" "What if I never find my Prince Charming/Cinderella?"

Let me ask you a question? Are you being faithful with what you have been given? Are you listening to God and walking with him day by day, every moment? Are you commiting yourself to remain righteous and pure? If yes, then let me remind you of a few of God's promises to us.

"You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things." Matthew 25:23
"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" Jeremiah 29:11
"The righteous keep moving forward, and those with clean hands get stronger and stronger." Job 17:9
"Trust in the Lord and do good. Then you will live safely in the land and prosper. Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you your hearts desires. Commit everything you do to the Lord. Trust him, and he will help you." Psalm 37:3-5
"Day by day the Lord takes care of the innocent, and they will receive an inheritance that lasts forever. They will not be disgraced in hard times; even in famine they will have more than enough." Psalm 37: 18-19
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6
"Seek first the kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need." Matthew 6:33

And many, many, many more.

I can't promise you that if you follow God that you will find the man/woman of your dreams, or that you will be wealthy beyond your wildest dreams. But I can promise you that God is a God of his word. He does what he says.

Numbers 23:19 "God is not a man, so he does not lie. He is not human, so he does not change his mind. Has he ever spoken and failed to act? Does he promise and not fulfill?"

Take care of your business and God will take care of you. Do what he's called you to do. Be faithful with what he's given to you, and he will take care of the rest. As I like to say, "Do your best and give God the rest."

But, what if I've messed up and haven't done what I should have done? "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." Come back to him. No sin is too big, or too bad to be forgiven. No one is too messed up to be loved and purified.

It's up to you. Are you going to keep living the way that you want to and do whatever you want to? Or are you willing to give up control to the all-mighty, all-knowing, all-powerful God? There is a caveat though. God is not in the business of doing things "our way." As the Bible says, "[God's] ways are higher than [our] ways, and [his] thoughts are higher than [our] thoughts." He is capable of doing far more than we could ever ask for or imagine. But will we trust him enough to let go and go for the ride?

I'll tell you, life with God is never what you expect it to be, but you won't be disappointed.

Prayer requests:
1. Continue to pray for Alicia's breathing. She's making improvements each and every day. She still struggles when she eats. But even in her struggling she's needing less and less help. Thank the Lord for the healing he has done and continues to do in her lungs. Thank God for the report that is to come that her lungs are completely healed from any damage. Pray that God would put protect Alicia's lungs so that it will remain healthy and whole.

2. Pray for her overall development. Again all of the "struggles" Alicia has right now are categorized as issues of prematurity. They should be and will be resolved once she's older and more developed.

3. No news yet of her brain and the damage. We are trusting that it is healed and God has performed a miracle. Pray that the wiring of her nervous system would take place well and that Alicia's motor skills and cognitive functions would be healthy and strong.

4. We praise God that her eyes are healthy. She's got mild ROP, but that will take care of itself once she's a bit older.

5. A team of physical therapists will come and look at Alicia next week. They will recommend some exercises for us to do with Alicia to help her muscles to develop healthy and strong.

6. Pray for our relationships with the doctors, nurses and other NICU folks. Pray that we can be salt and light in that place. Pray that the doctors and nurses would have wisdom and take great care in handling Alicia. Pray that all of their efforts would bless Alicia and help her get healthier each day.

7. Pray for our families and that we can continue to have God's peace reign in and amongst us.

8. Pray that God would give us wisdom to know how to train Alicia up in the way that she should go. Our sense is that God has a powerful and important destiny for Alicia here on Earth. Pray that we would have the wisdom to direct her on that journey to its discovery and fulfillment.

9. Pray for Linda and I to continue to grow in our love for one another. The husband/wife relationship is truly the foundation for a solid family and confident children. Linda and I have really been enjoying our time together and we are so thankful for one another. God couldn't have given me a better partner and best friend. I am a blessed man.

10. Pray that our family can be united and be at home starting our new life together as soon as God sees fit. Pray that Alicia would grow physically and become independant of any need for medical assistance to survive. Pray that as she grows and develops that she would thrive! Pray that she would be full of intelligence, full of wisdom. Pray that her senses would be very keen. Pray that she would have strong lungs and a strong heart. Pray that she would be well-coordinated, well-spoken, and well-equipped. Pray that she would be full of grace, full of beauty, full of character and strength. Pray that she would be expressive, and playful, loving and generous. Pray that she would flourish!

Thanks everyone! Much love and peace.

Campbell

Relativity

It's been a good couple of good days. Had a few emotional moments, but overall not bad. Praise the Lord.

Today, after our morning visit, we ran into a dad of one of the newer babies in our NICU, and as is our custom with all other NICU parents we asked how his kid was doing. He said his kid was doing well. He was off the ventilator and they're talking about moving him "upstairs" soon. Right then, another pair of new NICU parents came out whom the other father recognized, and they struck up a conversation about the couple's kid, who was born only a few days ago. He also was doing well. Never needed the ventilator and was moving "upstairs" today. Hearing this news the other dad congratulated the couple and said, "You'll probably be able to take him home in a few days." The other father expressed his doubts saying that it might be a little longer than that.

As we stepped into the elevator to head down to the first floor and go our separate ways, I couldn't help but chuckle to myself. This "upstairs" that we often hear about in our NICU is not a catchphrase for Heaven or the afterlife, but a step down unit for the kiddies that are doing well enough to graduate from needing intensive care. It's the intermediary stop between the NICU and home. Getting to go "upstairs" is another step to closer to being discharged. But it's something that we've needed to put out of our mind for the time being. Because for us this "upstairs" is currently as illusive for us as our next trip home to the states. (It might be awhile.)

I wonder if for these new parents their days in the NICU seem as much of an eternity as it is for us. I wonder if the first father hearing that the second father's child was moving "upstairs" maybe felt a little bad that his kid wasn't moving up sooner. I mean I don't know, this is all in my head. But I do wonder, because I know if I were him I might feel a little bit of that twinge of longing for my child to get better sooner. I mean I already do, so I can only imagine. For these parents, their kids were older when they came out. They were able to "bake" a bit longer in the oven and were more "done" when they entered the world. So they progress quicker through the NICU. But I can't help but think that for them any amount of time is not fast enough for them to be able to take their bundle home. I mean that's how I would feel if I were them. But to me, as I was listening to their conversation I was like, wow they're so "lucky." I would give anything to be able to have Alicia be healthy and come home with us sooner rather than later. They're looking at a couple of days, maybe weeks, we're looking at months. They most likely won't have to deal with the fears, struggles and anxieties that we've had to face with the PDA, BPD, ROP and a whole slew of other abbreviations that I don't even want to think about. =) Made me think, "It's all pretty relative, eh?"

I mean, I'm sitting here thinking that our days in the NICU are interminable, but I'm sure there are parents out there who maybe never even got more than a few minutes or a few hours with their kid, and for them they'd give anything to be in our shoes to be able to touch, talk, and see their children alive. It's all relative.

Of course our one constant is our Heavenly Father. He is our stabilizer. He knows it all and has it all under control. He knows the exact date when Alicia will get to move "upstairs." And believe me when I say she is going to move upstairs. Because as I've said before, God has promised that she will LIVE and tell of his wonderful works. He also knows the exact day when we'll be able to take her home. So we wait in anticipation for that triumphant day to arrive.

I wish this race were more of a sprint, than a marathon. I wish that we could have given her a few more weeks or even days before she came out, so that she could have come out stronger and more prepared. But you know what, once again, it's all relative. I mean if she hadn't come out, we'd still be waiting to bring her home with us wouldn't we? Well, I mean, technically, she'd be at home with us inside of Linda, but still, we wouldn't be able to hold her and touch her and speak to her the way we do. And again, our Daddy knew. Alicia's birthdate was a surprise to us, but not to him. He had all the days of her life written in his book before she was even a blip on the sonogram.

So Daddy knows it all. He really does. And that gives me comfort. It also reminds me not to compare. The preemie book warned us not to compare how our baby is doing with other babies, because each baby is truly different and really, comparing just drags you down. I mean you've got these people coming in and out every week, while we're still there in the same spot. Bed 13, in the back. It's like Alicia came out earlier but then is kind of "falling behind." But you know what? Slow and steady wins the race right? =)

And Alicia really is slowly but steadily growing and getting better. Her weight is up to 770 grams today - a 14 gram increase from yesterday. She continues to get cuter and cuter each day, even the nurses say so. They think now that she's got a bit more meat on her she's even cuter than when she first arrived. And she loves to do these cute little poses. I couldn't stop taking pictures today.

Her breathing is about the same. She still forgets to breathe and has trouble getting enough air when she eats. But we spoke to a doctor today about that, and she says that Alicia is still pretty young, so that it makes sense that she's still got these issues. They'll keep observing. By 35 weeks or 36 weeks adjusted age (Alicia is 31 weeks this week) her brain should be developed enough that it can better control her breathing. If at that time she's still having problems, then that might be an indication of more severe problems. At this point it's what they call AOP (Apnea of Prematurity). Apnea (forgetting to breathe) caused by prematurity. So nothing too much to worry about.

There's not too much else to report. Oh, they are going to have a team of physical therapists come and look at Alicia sometime in the next few days. They're going to give her a check up and see what kind of exercises they can recommend to help her muscles develop and not get stiff. This is a good sign. It means that she's stable, otherwise they wouldn't be taking this next step. So we look forward to learning what we can do to help our daughter develop better and better.

Prayer requests:

1. Continue to pray for her physical, mental, emotional and spiritual development. We went to a class earlier this week about various struggles preemies have as they get older and the kind of the therapy that is done. Pray that Alicia will continue to develop well and thrive.

2. Pray for wisdom for the doctors and nurses as they take care of Alicia. We pray for the best care for her and that all the care will further Alicia down the road to complete healing and health.

3. Pray that God would give us wisdom to filter out things that are said to us. Some people over the past couple of days have told us things out of their love and concern for us that were actually more of a burden than a help. Pray that God would help us to receive their love but then to be able to filter out anything that is not of him.

4. Pray for all of our loved ones. I have a sense that we are not alone in having to deal with the stress of this situation. And I know that the enemy would love for nothing more than to take the stress and use it to destroy, disrupt and disturb our family. But we come against that in the name of Jesus Christ. Pray for God's peace and comfort to reign.

Thanks everyone. Oh, and just a note of clarification in case there was any confusion or miscommunication. I had previously posted and asked for people to pray for our finances. Please do not read that as a cue to donate money. We have never, nor are we now asking for money or donations. Please just pray. Our God is not only Jehovah Rapha, our great healer, but he is also Jehova Jireh, our provider. He is and will continue to take good care of us.

Much love,
Campbell

Paradigm Shift

A couple of days ago I started Stephen R. Covey's The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People for the third time. Now don't be too impressed. I'm not a Stephen R. Covey fan, it's just that I've started the book twice before and never got past the first few chapters. So I'm starting it again for the third time.

Anyway, back to the point. In the book Covey talks about how our paradigms - the way we see things - affect the way we think and act. It makes sense. Each of us reacts to the world around us based upon the way we perceive, understand or interpret it to be.

It reminds me of the series of ads by HSBC that I often see at the airports where they show a set of pictures but describe them from different perspectives. For example:

All this to say that I had a revelation yesterday. If you've been keeping up with my blog, you've probably noticed that I get pretty emotional whenever the doctors speak negatively about Alicia or deliver us some bad news about her health.

And granted that that's a natural response. But over the past couple of days God's been giving me a new perspective. It's a perspective that he began speaking to me in my heart, but then confirmed through a conversation that I had with a new friend of ours.

Basically it comes down to this. Whenever we hear news about Alicia, her health and her development I have two choices.

I can either choose to receive the negative prognosis as a sentene of doom and get upset or depressed about it. Or I can choose to look at the diagnosis as God inviting us to partner with him and as a chance to pray and intervene for our daughter.

Once I had this revelation, I felt like the weight was ten times lighter. So often over the past few weeks as I've tried to remain positive, I still got weighed down whenever the doctors said or told us anything that was slightly negative. But what I'm realizing is that I don't need to take the things they say might happen as fact. Because, in fact, they're not fact, and they aren't NECESSARILY going to happen. Each preemie is so unique that doctors can only give their best educated guess as to what can happen.

So they say, here are the facts, she's still on the ventilator for her fifth or sixth week after birth. She's got lung damage. So this may mean that she may have asthma, or weak immunity, or other repiratory problems in the future. Now we hear this and we can get sad and anxious. Or we can take this information and pray the opposite. We pray that she will get off the ventilator quickly, that her lungs will heal and be strong, that her lungs will be and are like the lungs of a newborn. We pray and thank God that she will NOT have asthma, or any other physical problems as a result of the time on the ventilator.

It's so freeing. No longer do we have to take these words and feel scared and powerless. No! For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline. So we take the words from the doctors and we give thanks. We thank God that he is showing us exactly which areas to pray for, exactly which areas we can proclaim life, healing and health for Alicia.

We are in a battle, and it's as if God is giving us insight into the strategies of the enemy so that we can be on the offense and fight back.

So we celebrate. We celebrate that God has given us the power and authority to speak life and to pray and to partner with him.

Alicia continues to do well. She's up to 756 grams and just gets more and more adorable each day. She's developing some fat on her body which is a great sign. Her toes which once were tiny little buds actually have a bit of pudge on them now. So precious. She's got super long limbs, fingers and feet. I think she's going to be a tall girl.

She's pretty stable in terms of everything else. Still on the ventilator. Still has trouble breathing when she's full and also when she's got mucus, but other than that she's breathing pretty well. =) We're very thankful for that.

She had another eye exam yesterday and her ROP is still at stage 1 which is great! It means it'll probably just go away on its own. We're so thankful for that.

In other news, Alicia's neighbor Kai Ge has graduated to an open air bassinet which means that he's got enough fat to maintain his own body temperature. We're really happy for him and his family. And it gives us something to look forward to.

Thanks for the prayers friends. Please do write and let us know how you're doing, any thoughts you have about Alicia, etc... We'd love to hear from you.

Blessings,

Campbell

Still Small Voice

One thing I'm realizing about this journey is that it is so easy to get thrown into a tailspin by the many competing voices that are surrounding us. Yesterday morning's visit with Alicia was a good example of that.

We met Alicia's new doctor yesterday, and like all of Alicia's other doctors she came over, introduced herself and proceeded to give us an update on Alicia's condition. Pretty much all the facts she gave were the same. Alicia has gained weight, but she's still having trouble breathing when she eats, because - and this is the part that threw me for a loop - Alicia's digestive system isn't working well. When I heard this, I did a double take in my mind, wait what? She continued to talk, but I don't know if you've ever experienced this, but my mind kind of just got stuck. I got stuck on the "digestive system isn't working well" part so much that I didn't really hear the rest of what she said. So I had to clarify, what did she mean that her digestive system wasn't working well? The doctor said, "Well, when we feed her, the food stays in her stomach for a long time before it moves into the intestines and that causes her stomach to expand and press into her lungs." OK we knew that part. What I didn't get was, why this "situation" was suddenly something negative? I mean, yes, I know that the stomach expanding, pressing on the lungs making it hard to breathe is not good, but is this an indication that her digestive system isn't working well? Maybe you doctors can explain it to me. Cause in my mind, the doctors and nurses have been saying that Alicia is digesting her food well, she's pooping regularly, I mean so much so that I'm buying a new pack of diapers every week. She even had a blow out poopie diaper earlier in the week. So doesn't that mean that she's digesting?

This doctor also proceeded to warn us as other doctors have in the past that Alicia's circumstance is very special, and to not to expect her to be like children born at term. She'll probably have some problems that they don't have, especially since she's been on the ventilator so long. OK. This is developing into a pet-peeve of mine and I'm trying to be understanding about it. But why do doctors compare a preemie to a full-term child? Obviously, she's not a full-term child. And obviously, she's got some challenges to overcome. I guess it does help to have a point of reference. And I guess it does help to keep in mind that preemies do have struggles that full-term babies don't have. But honestly, if you are going to compare, please tell me how she is doing compared to other preemies. And so I asked her that and she said that Alicia's condition is worse off than other preemies. Another blow.

Immediately in my spirit, I began to fight. No. Not my baby. What do you mean worse off? And so I began to war in my spirit and pray and denounce the words that were spoken over her. Even now as I write this I'm really cloudy on the details of everything spoken and everything that I felt. All I remember is feeling, then fighting this overwhelming sense of defeat and disappointment. It took a conscious effort to turn my eyes upon God and to remember his promises to us. Alicia shall not die but live and proclaim what the Lord has done.

Speaking of which, the good news is that all the prognoses for Alicia right now seems more focused on her health. It doesn't seem like there's any doubt that she will live at this point, which is a huge praise. The focus now is quality of life - helping her to grow, helping her lungs to get healthier, checking the eyes, observation of motor skills, etc ... So we're thankful, our girl is here to stay.

As I struggled to process and to hear what the doctor was saying to us, I just felt God's gentle Spirit reminding me to focus on him and to focus on his promises to us. We are really thankful for the doctors and their care, because without it Alicia may not be here today, but at the same time, they are not God. God is all mighty, all powerful, he is the great physician. He is fully capable of giving Alicia an abundant and thriving life, and we believe that Alicia is going to be better than fine. She's going to thrive.

But as I started this blog by saying, it's so easy to start focusing on what the doctors are saying instead of keeping our eyes on our Jehovah Rapha, our healer.

It reminded me of the story in the Bible of Elijah meeting God on Mount Horeb. Elijah was suffering from depression after winning a great victory for the Lord. He went up to the mountain and hid out in a cave. God met him there and told him to step out of the cave and prepare himself because he was about to pass by. There was a powerful wind, an earthquake and a fire, but God was not in any of them. Then after the fire was a gentle whisper. When Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face and went out and stood at the mouth of the cave.

Now in the past, when reading this story, I imagined God whispering something after the fire. And in some biblical translations it refers to a "still small voice." But as I was researching this phrase this morning, I learned that actually a better translation for what happened after the fire is "silence." Wow.

So often in the midst of things, I sit here and wonder God why aren't you saying anything! But he is. Sometimes he speaks volumes without uttering a single word. Made me think of the song "When You Say Nothing At All." Funny thing is I've heard this song many times, but never thought of it in the context of God, but as I read the lyrics, as with many things that have been popping into my head suddenly these days, the words are oddly appropriate.

It’s amazing how you can speak right to my heart
Without saying a word you can light up the dark
Try as I may I could never explain
What I hear when you don’t say a thing

The smile on your face lets me know that you need me
There’s a truth in your eyes sayin’ you’ll never leave me
The touch of your hand says you’ll catch me if ever I fall
You say it best when you say nothing at all

All day long I can hear people talking out loud
But when you hold me near, you drown out the crowd
Old mr. webster could never define
What’s being said between your heart and mine

The smile on your face lets me know that you need me
There’s a truth in your eyes sayin’ you’ll never leave me
The touch of your hand says you’ll catch me if ever I fall
You say it best when you say nothing at all

The smile on your face lets me know that you need me
There’s a truth in your eyes sayin’ you’ll never leave me
The touch of your hand says you’ll catch me if ever I fall
You say it best when you say nothing at all



OK. So the one line about "needing me" doesn't quite fit with God. We could maybe change it to "want me" because he does want me. He wants to have me and to have a relationship with me. Which in and of itself is something amazing.

So the challenge is to keep my eyes and ears trained on God's promises and presence. To listen for the silence and the stillness. To just bask in his presence, and just to be with him. Sit as I sit with Linda sometimes, not saying a word, but taking comfort in each other's presence. Standing firm, despite what the doctor's tell us. Definitely not fooling ourselves and imagining that things are going to be hunky dory and picture-perfect. No. We still pray and we fight for our daughter, but we also stand firm and remember God's promises.

Alicia continues to do well, as of yesterday morning she's up to 724 grams and now she's eating 13cc per feeding instead of 12. (Again, why are they giving her more if her digestion is bad? What the doctor said, just doesn't make sense.) She's still struggling with her breathing. She has fewer apnea spells which is good. But she still struggles when she eats. We were reminded again yesterday that as of now Alicia has the lungs of a woman 80x her age. The damage to her lungs has been significant. But we just pray that she will heal quickly and that she can get off the ventilator as soon as possible.

Please continue to pray for her and ask the Lord to direct your prayers in terms of which area of her development to focus on. There really is a lot to pray for. But we have hope and we continue to move forward and fight for our daughter. She's our little warrior princess. God has a mighty plan for her. Can't wait to see what how it all plays out.

Stir Crazy

The past few days have been hard. I felt stuck. I felt like my life was going nowhere fast, and yet, I felt frustrated because it didn't seem like there was much that I could do about it, or maybe no motivation to do anything about it. Last night, as I lay down to go to bed, it all came to a head. I felt completely weighed down, and shackled. I felt like I was an inmate on a life setence with no hope for parole. I wanted to fight and break free, but I felt completely helpless to do anything. Linda noticed me struggling and asked me what was wrong. I told her that I felt like I was in a cage and that I wanted my life back! My sweet wife. Sometimes she really has to put up with a lot from me. Instead of giving me a retort, she asked me gently, "Did you talk to Daddy about it?" I wanted to shout at her, "Of course I've talked to Daddy about it? What do you mean?" But I calmed myself down and realized, well, I hadn't really talked to God about it. I mean not really had a conversation about it.

I mean to be honest, I didn't even know what it was that I was struggling with. I was just unhappy, frustrated, angry, anxious,tired of the unvarying routine of our current lifestyle and really wanting to figure out something productive to do with our time. Then Daddy, as he often does, showed me what it was - I was stir crazy.

This morning when I woke up, I had to look it up. And the definition I found on Wikipedia made me laugh. Not because it was funny, but because it was the perfect description of what I was feeling and struggling with.

I won't go into the everything that wikipedia says, you can read it through the link above. But I like the one section that says: "Stir crazy [includes] the urge to engage and attempt doing anything perceived to be even slightly more constructive and productive, given the extreme limitations of the environment, even if plainly destructive, than doing nothing at all." YES!

You see, it's not that I'm not thankful for this time off to be with Linda and Alicia. I'm so absolutely grateful that I can have this time. And it's not the physical environment that's making me feel all bound up. In fact, God has been great to us. We're living in a beautiful apartment, in a wonderful city, we've got all of our needs taken care of. We're actually quite comfortable.

I think what it is is that I've been feeling stuck in a routine. Those of you who have been following on the blog know. We wake up, eat breakfast, Linda pumps. We go see Alicia. We come back, eat lunch, Linda pumps. Linda takes a nap. She wakes up, eats dinner, she pumps. We go see Alicia. We come back, eat a snack/dessert, Linda pumps. We take a shower, go to bed, then do it all over again the next morning. As you can see, much of the above requires little or no interaction from me.

I was struggling last night, I was getting mad at myself. When I'm really tired from work, I long for a time off, and now that I have it, I long to work? What's wrong with me? And so many people have told me to not worry about work, and to focus on taking care of my family and those words are very true. But I just feel so restless.

What I realized is that it's not so much work that I long for. But productivity. I long to be productive, to do something that is making a difference. I've even taken to helping Linda with her pumping (giving her a massages, getting her drinks, adjusting pump settings) just so that I can feel like I'm doing something worthwhile.

And boy have I been agitated, the slightest thing will set me off. And sometimes, I'll pick fights. I mean, I wasn't aware that I was picking fights while I was doing it, but now that I look back on it, I realized that a lot of the things that I was getting annoyed about, could easily have been let go and dismissed, because they were stupid. (Bad husband, I know.)

Wikipedia also says, "Stir crazy might colloquially be defined as finding yourself trapped in a waiting room without any apparent appointment time scheduled." Very apt description. I think this is another part of the struggle.

Many people ask, "So have the doctors said when Alicia will be able to come out of the hospital?" or "When do you think you guys can come home?" And my answer is always, "I don't know." Three simple words that can drive a man crazy.

I don't know when we can go home. I don't know when we can start a new life with our daughter. I don't know when she'll be out of the hospital. I don't know when this ride will be over ... sitting in a waiting room without any apparent appointment time scheduled.

It'd be almost easier if there were a set date, then I could at least have an end in sight. Right now the end is som illusive date in September, October or even later.

I hope it doesn't sound like I'm complaining, because that's not my intention. Again, I'm very thankful for my life. I think it's been building up, and I've been struggling so much with it over the past few days that I needed to figure out what it was. And once God showed me what it was, it was like there was a breakthrough.

What do I do about it now? Well, I'll need to pray about it some more. But I'm sure we'll figure something out.

Like I said before, writing this blog has helped. Oh, that was another thing, I had somewhat of a writer's block the past couple of days (hence the lack of posts) and as I sat down to write yesterday, again nothing, which I think exacerbated the situation even more. The one productive thing I was doing was now gone. =) I know. I'm being super melodramatic, forgive me.

So we walk forward. I'm thankful for a God who understands and knows me better than I do. He knows how he made me and fashioned me. He created me to be creative and productive. He knows exactly what my struggles are and he doesn't blame me, condemn me or criticize me for them. He just lovingly shows me what it is that I'm struggling with and invites me to bring it to him and work it out with him. He's a good Daddy.

I kind of see myself as a little kid throwing a tantrum because I can't figure out how to put together some toy that I've been given. Daddy gently offers to help and I fight him. I say, no! I want to do it myself! And he just waits. He waits until I tire out and realize I can't do it on my own and let him take over.

It reminds me of Alicia's neighbor in the NICU, Kai Ge. He was born three months before Alicia at 26 weeks gestational age. But he weighed a lot less than she did at birth, only about 500+ grams. But now he's a chubby kid with lots of strength and personality. He's notorious in our NICU for being the kid with the temper. All the nurses love him, cause he's so cute, but they also know that he doesn't like to be messed with. If feedings are late, he'll cry. If he's uncomfortable, he'll cry. He'll even pull out his tubes and wires if given the chance. The most extreme case, was one time he was getting a blood transfusion, and he pulled out the IV, getting blood everywhere. Now keep in mind he's barely a few days old now (adjusted age), so I doubt that he's doing these things consciously to be bad. But it just shows his personality.

I was thinking about it last night, and I realized that I'm just like Kai Ge. (Ironically, he and I both have the same character in our Chinese name.) I'm restless, I don't like being bound, and I fight to be free. But maybe now is the time to just rest and be still. But I think I need to find the balance between being still and being lethargic. I think we can be still, yet productive. How? Good question. I'll let you know when I figure it out. =)

Now onto Alicia, she's doing well. She's up to 708 grams. Yay! We haven't seen her yet today so, she may even weigh more than that, I hope! =) Anyway, she's steadily growing bigger. She continues to be a sweatheart and all the nurses love her. One nurse yesterday told us that as she was changing Alicia's diaper yesterday, Alicia pooped all over her. Haha. When we apologized, the nurse laughed and said, "Oh, it's OK! I thought it was adorable." What? And she added, "It's better to poop than not poop right?" I had to agree there. So apparantly Alicia's digestion is doing well. She poops a lot apparantly. She goes through a package of 40 diapers in like five days. Seriously, someone remind me to buy stock in Huggies or Pampers or something.

Alicia continues to struggle with breathing during and after feedings. But doctors don't seem too concerned. It's a pretty common thing with preemies her size. I think I mentioned before that they've put her on timed feedings now to control how much milk goes in her body at one time, and that's helped. But I think sometimes she just gets too comfortable when she's full, so she'll fall asleep and forget to breathe.

Alicia's Uncle Jeffrey (my brother) came to visit her last night. It was a sweet time. Jeff and my sister-in-law, Faith, are expecting their own little bundle of joy in September. Actually Alicia and her cousin were originally only due two weeks apart that is until Alicia decided to come out early. =) I really enjoyed introducing my brother to his niece, and watching him touch her and pray for her. It was really nice.

Prayer requests.

1. Pray as usual for Alicia's development. Lungs, brains, eyes, ears ... everything. Pray that everything would be perfectly formed and whole, and that any damage would be healed or reversed.

2. Pray that she'll continue to eat well and grow healthy and strong.

3. Pray for her emotional development, that she will not remember any trauma from this time in the NICU, but that she'll just sense God's presence surrounding her every moment of every day.

4. Pray specifically for the damage in her lungs that the Lord would reverse it quickly and that he would place a layer of protection inside her lungs so that the oxygen wouldn't damage them anymore, and that Alicia can get off the ventilator soon.

5. Pray for wisdom for our family. My vacation days are running up soon, so I'll need to go back to work. But Alicia might need to be in the hospital a few months more. So pray for wisdom to know when I should go back to work and how to work out the logistics. I'd like to save some vacation days for when she's actually out of the hospital, but I really don't want to leave Linda alone at this time. She's a strong capable woman, but I need to take care of my wife.

6. Pray for balance. Pray that God would show us how to use our time wisely so that we can have a good balance of rest and productivity.

7. Pray for our finances. God is Jehovah Jireh, our provider, we know he will provide and he has already provided so generously through many of you. Thank you so much! Pray that we'll have wisdom on how to use what's been given to us well.

8. Pray for our relationships. Thank you, friends for respecting us and giving our space. Please do know that we think of you often and we do want to connect, but to be honest sometimes at this point, it can be draining. But don't get me wrong, we want to connect, we just ask for wisdom on the best way to do it. Plus with Linda's schedule, it makes it hard to really spend a good chunk of time with people. Again, praying for wisdom. Also pray for our relationship with the other NICUers. Pray that we can build some solid bridges and connections so that we can be a blessing to one another.

Thanks friends!

Another Bump in the Road

Well, today we were delivered another bit of bad news. From what we can piece together from the doctor and then coming home and looking it up in our preemie book, Alicia has a condition called Bronchopulmonary Dysplasia or BPD.

Here's an excerpt from the American Pregnancy website that explains it:

"Bronchopulmonary Dysplasia (BPD) occurs when a baby’s lungs have shown evidence of deterioration. Unfortunately, when preemies are put on a ventilator (also known as respirators) their lungs are still immature and sometimes can not withstand the constant pressure of the respirator. Preemies that have been on a respirator for more than twenty-eight days are at risk for developing BPD. Preemies do recover from this but it may take some longer than others."

Basically the way the doctors explained it is that Alicia at this point has the lungs of an old woman, her lungs have some deterioration and damage. The difference is that old ladies have bad lungs because they've lived a long life, and have various things that could have damaged their lungs like, smoking, pollution, etc...
Alicia's lungs are damaged pretty much because she's small and her lungs aren't very well developed and the ventilator which is helping her to stay alive is also damaging her lungs as well. Definitely a mixed blessing.

Thankfully, as with most things in the case of preemies, this disease is not fatal and it is treatable, so it's another bump in the road. Unfortunately this means that it might be awhile before Alicia is off the ventilator, but we pray for quick, quick healing and strength for her lungs. Doctors are going to use a combination of nutrition and medication to help Alicia's lungs develop and heal from the damage. For some preemies it might take a few years for them to completely recover from the lung disease, but the good news is that people can and do recover from this problem.

Each time I hear news like this, my initial reaction is to panick, but thankfully, with the Lord's strength, I'm getting better at catching myself and setting my mind right. Doctors say that because of this problem, Alicia will be more susceptible to catching colds in the future. Also, according to the book, kids with BPD also tend to have a higher chance of having asthma and other breathing related problems. Well, we just stake a claim in faith that these things will not happen. We renounce any illness, any infection, any damage, any complications in the name of Jesus Christ. We bind the power sickness and deterioration, and we loose the spirit of health, strength and wholeness upon Alicia and her lungs.

Hearing that Alicia might take a bit longer to heal completely than others, was hard for me. I am from New York, the city that never sleeps, I'm a go, go, go kind of person. I want Alicia healed and healed now. But over and over again, God keeps reminding me to slow down and to trust his timing.

This morning, we were a little late to leave the house. So I was feeling a bit anxious as I was driving and try to go as quickly as I could. Thankfully, we hit most of the lights, but then as we got closer to the hospital inexplicably cars, scooters, buses and trucks kept cutting in front of me, and then driving really slow. I was starting to get worked up about it, when Linda said, "Honey, it's OK. Maybe God has the perfect parking spot for us and he's just timing it so that we can get their just as the guy is pulling out." I was like, yeah, maybe. But come on! We're almost late! So ignoring what she said, I did my best to get around these slow moving vehicles.

And now, I definitely don't want to blame God for everything, but I think in this case it really was God. We got to the hospital and there were no parking spots, but as we pulled up to a stop light, Linda pointed out that behind us there was a car pulling out of a parking spot. A spot that had we arrived maybe one or two minutes later, we would have arrived, just as it was pulling out. But because I was in such a hurry, we ended up being in front of that spot and would need to loop around the block to get back to it.

Thankfully, God's grace covered it, and he not only saved us that spot as we looped around the block, but there were actually two parking spots within a couple of feet of each other.

Silly story, but I think it's a good illustration of just going with God and allowing him to direct our footsteps. Sometimes we are in such a rush to get somewhere, but God is saying, hold on a minute. I've got something better. But you know the beautiful thing, even when we don't listen, even when we do rush ahead, God's everlasting love and overflowing grace covers our folly. Like this morning, even though I rushed ahead of him, he still provided a parking space for us. And not just one, but two spots. Granted we did have to make the extra loop around the block to get there, but we still got there.

So I guess the lesson for me is to slow down and trust God's timing. I need to do my best to follow his leading, and not rush ahead of him. But also to realize that when I do mess up, not to beat myself up but just get back on track. It might take me an extra loop to get there, or some extra time to get there to make up for my folly, but by his grace we will still, I will still get there.

OK, on to prayer requests.

1. Definitely pray for her lungs. The damage is going to impair her ability to breathe on her own for awhile. Please pray for complete healing and development of her lungs.

2. The nurse said today that Alicia is a really vigorous little child. She moves around a lot, which is great! She also said that she and all the other nurses think that she's a really pretty, adorable girl. We couldn't agree more. =) So praise the Lord for that.

3. She still continues to have trouble with her breathing after she eats. Doctors are working on resolving that.

4. She's now eating 12cc per feeding now. Praise the Lord. Pray that the nutrients from the milk would help her to continue to grow big, healthy and strong. Pray also that she will continue to digest and process the milk well.

5. Linda and I are doing well. We're enjoying this time to be with each other and to just grow in our relationship and in our new roles as parents. Thanks for many of your encouragement to slow down and focus on my family. It's a challenge for me, but I think it's a good reminder.

Thanks everyone!
Blessings,
Campbell