One Year Old!

It is the eve, of our dear Alicia's first birthday. I can hardly believe that it's been a year since the dramatic entrance of our beloved daughter.

At first, I was going to wait until tomorrow to write, but then I realized that today is actually the day to be celebrating. Today is the anniversary of one of the most dramatic days of my life. Today is the day when we made some of the biggest decisions in our lives.

A year ago today, Alicia was still inside Linda's womb, and we had yet to meet or know our baby girl. To me, all I knew of my baby girl were some blurry gray sonograms and what I imagined in my mind. I had no idea what she would look like, what she was capable of, how strong she was, or even the fact that she was indeed a she.

How far we have come.

I still remember those first weary, draining hours waiting outside the OR, for news of Alicia's safe delivery. Then seeing a bundle of pink inside an incubator whizzing past me as she was rushed to the NICU. The memory of waiting outside the then unfamiliar stainless steel door of the NICU with my sister-in-law, her husband, and my cousin-in-law, bleary-eyed and dazed, yet unable to sleep because I was excited and yet anxious to hear the status of my newborn baby girl.

Of course, those first few moments when I saw Alicia will forever be etched in my memory. Walking into the NICU, seeing and being introduced to my micro-preemie palm-sized fairy for the first time, all skin and bones, splayed out with tubes and wires sticking out every which way like some sort of crude biology experiment. It's not an image that I will quickly forget.

Also Alicia's doctor, who at that time was a stranger, now a dear friend, pulling me aside and explaining to me in a strange "foreign language" about everything that was "wrong" with my baby and signing papers giving the her and her team permission to begin treatment. It was at that moment that I really felt like I was no longer a kid. In the past my signature carried the authority to impact my life and maybe Linda's life at times. But for the first time, my signature carried the power over someone who was completely dependent on me. The very act of signing or not signing could mean life or death to this new human being who was only hours old.

Man. Amazing how far we've come.

The three of us- Linda, Alicia and I - have really grown into a family since those early days in the hospital. Alicia is a delight to us and everyone who she comes in contact with. Her smile can brighten up any dull or dreary day and her laughter can raise any sunken spirit. She loves rice cereal made with beef broth. She loves music. She loves paper and other things that crinkle. She LOVES to jump. She can roll over like a pro. She has four teeth and a fifth one that is due to make it's debut any day now. She has started to recognize people and will smile when she sees people she knows. And yet she's not afraid of strangers. She is fascinated by people, and when she meets someone new she will look intently at them as if she is studying their face and trying to memorize or figure out who they are. She loves her hands and you can always tell when she's nervous, because she will just stare mesmerized at her hands and refuse to look up. She sleeps through the night with the best of them, and usually wakes up with a smile. She rarely cries except for when she's extremely hungry or tired.

As for her weight, some of you will remember my daily reports of her weight during her stay in the hospital. Well, it's been over a month since her last hospital visit, so I have no idea of her real weight at this point, but for sure she has grown to more than 11X her birth weight. Amazing, eh? She's outgrown countless outfits and is even starting to outgrow small-sized diapers. In fact, Linda and I just purchased a box of medium-sized diapers for her. We sure have come a long way since her diaper dress days.

These days, when I look back at photos from the early days, I marvel at just how faithful God is. How he has truly been our rock and our provider. How he has kept us steady and been our refuge in the midst of the storm.

Not that I wish you calamity, but I do wish that you would experience just once how amazing it is to have Jehovah-Shammah - the ever present God and Emmanuel with you through any and all circumstances, and how amazing it is to have him as a shelter while things are whirling about you like a tornado. I wish that you could experience this peace that surpasses all understanding and the confidence of knowing that no matter what happens, things will work out for the good of those who are called according to his purpose.

Our journey with Alicia has only begun, I look forward to the days of teaching her how to walk, and dance and sing. I look forward to hearing her calling me Daddy for the first time. I look forward to seeing her learn new things and participating in the wonder of discovery with her.

I must take the time right now to thank all of the different angels that have come along side us over this past year to bless us, guide us, pray for us and cheer us on. We cherish each one of you.

Much Love,
Campbell a.k.a Alicia's Dad

HEY ALICIA! HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT TURNING 1?

I SUPER LIKE!

The Race to Amazing

I, Linda, will be getting up tomorrow morning at 5AM. Why the (l)insanity? Because I am participating in the 2012 Nike Amazing Women Race. The (direct translation of the) slogan of the race is "Together Amazing" or in more colloquial terms, "Let's be amazing together". This is my first race. Ever. Actually this is the first time I am paying to run. Well, to be even more candid, tomorrow will be the first time I'll be "running" more than a mile since jr. high. I was in band in high school; that took care of the P.E. requirement. Yay! Go band!

When Emily, one of my closest girlfriends who is also an amazing athlete herself, asked me to run with her, I thought she lost her marbles. I don't run. I don't like running. I definitely don't feel God's pleasure when I run. Running in a race is not my idea of a great morning spent. In fact my reasons for running would be: I have less than 5 seconds to make it across the street before the light turns red. Or oh! The phone is ringing; I better run across the room. Or ah! The water is boiling. Turn off the stove! I run to turn off the stove. You see. Those are legitimate reasons.

So why did I decide to pay someone else to run? (Seriously, I think someone needs to be PAY ME to run.) Here are the reasons I'll decided to join the race.

1. I should do something "fun" and challenging with my sisters. There are so many women I know who are running in this race. Good way to bond with other sisters. (Although there are so many other ways to bond...spa treatments, hair washes, afternoon tea, a nap...)

2. After I delivered Alicia, it would be a good goal for me to start exercising and training for the race. (I have to confess and you can ask Emily, my coach, that I have not trained or prepared for this race at all. I think I'll be walking in tomorrow's race.)

3. My real reason is actually for Alicia and our journey for her. Tomorrow, Alicia will turn 11 months. She will be one month away from turning one year old.

... Wow. Let me just ponder that for another minute.

I feel like this past year can be described as one wild race. We started the year with my pregnancy. There were a few scares along the road but God remained so steady. And what an arrival with Alicia being born at 25 weeks. Then Campbell and I started running a different kind of race. A race that challenged our stamina in faith and trust.

And though the race between home and the hospital is over, (thank GOD!) now we are jogging through the day caring for Alicia at home. So because of Alicia's almost one year old birthday, this mama decides to do the impossible to celebrate life and the journeys in life.

When I told one of my dear sisters, Andrea (also a runner herself), that I'll be running this race, she was overjoyed. She then shared with me that she also ran this race last year on May 29th, Alicia's birthday. She said that the night before she stayed up all night to pray and interced for our family. Then the morning, she got up and ran the race for us. She felt and received complete victory for us. When I heard this, I was completely overwhelmed in love and thanksgiving. I am a blessed woman to have such dear dear friends that love us. It made me even more sure that Daddy God wants me to participate in this race.

And so, I'll be running this Amazing Race tomorrow. I'll be sure to let you guys know how I do!

Let's be amazing together. Let's run this race to Amazing. The true author of our faith and the one who is amazing. The one who holds us as the apple of His eye. The one who is our coach and whispering in our spirits, don't give up. Keep running the race because as we run this race of life, we are all in process of becoming even more amazing.

We Have A Roller

Milestone alert! Milestone alert!

Alicia has officially become a roller. =)

Those of you who are closer to us may remember us posting several months ago that Alicia had rolled-over. Well, for some reason back then, she only did a few times and then never again. And back then she went from front to back. But now, she's doing the back to front roll on quite a regular basis.

For awhile there was a twinge of concern because she hadn't been really that mobile and when we went to see a therapist a few weeks ago, that was one of the concerns they had because at Alicia's current adjusted age, she should be rolling.

So Linda and I got to work. We would help her roll, and encourage her by putting toys just out of her reach. For a few months, she would get half way and then kind of get stuck. She couldn't quite figure out how to get her arm out from underneath her.

Eventually, she progressed to a 3/4 roll, where she'd get her head and the bottom half of her body over, but the torso would still stay in the original position. Just this past week, I got a call at work from Linda telling us that our princess finally was able to get herself all the way over.

We were more than thrilled.

It's also been fun to see how she's gotten better and better at her new skill. In the beginning, she'd have to do this wind up thing where she'd summon up all her strength and then throw herself into the turn. Eventually, she got smoother and smoother, and just now as I started this blog, she flipped over quite effortlessly with barely a grunt.

Of course, now that she's more mobile, we've got to watch her. No more leaving her unattended on a bed or other surface. Man, I had a couple of moments of "fails" as a father this week.

The first happened earlier in the week. Right now, along with the rolling, we're also helping her to practice sitting up. So I had her sitting in front of me on the hardwood floor in our living room. All was going well, until she suddenly jerked and slipped out of my grasp. She lurched backwards, and BAM, her head hit the floor.  Of course, she promptly started to cry. And I just felt awful as I scooped her up to comfort her.

Amazingly, Alicia cried for not more than a minute and calmed down. Then a few minutes later, and actually ever since then, any time I lay her down on her back, even gently, she will hold her head up to brace herself and keep from hitting her head. How smart is she?

A few days later, Alicia and I had just gotten up in the morning. I brought her upstairs so I could feed her breakfast. I sat her down in her highchair and went to the kitchen to prepare her food. As I was walking away, I had a fleeting thought that I should buckle her into her chair. But I just brushed the thought aside thinking, where was she going to go? Yeah. I need to listen to those little promptings more often. I was in the kitchen prepping her food, when I hear a cry of desperation emanate from the living room. I rushed over, praying that everything was OK to find Alicia had somehow slipped out of her seat and was facedown in her seat with her head and body stuck between the chair and the chair's tray. My best guess is that she decided to practice her new skill in her chair and ended up slipping down. Thankfully, her chair has a little ledge where her little feet landed, otherwise, I have no doubt she would have ended up on the floor.

Lesson learned. Please don't call child services on me.

We're so thankful that she is progressing and growing. Thus far, things look good. Linda took Alicia to the physical therapist last week who said that Alicia is doing well so far. Of course, he said, it's still too early to say for certain whether she is 100% normal despite her brain damage. But you know what, we're good. We proclaim in faith that she is 100% normal, and that she is developing just fine. =)

She is a sweet girl. Linda tells me somehow she knows when I come home. Every time I open the door, Alicia's face just lights up with a huge smile. That just truly warms this Daddy's heart.

I love our little bean. =)

10 Months

Our baby Alicia is 10 months old today. 10 months! That's over 3/4 of a year. Amazing. And for the past six months, we've been enjoying, celebrating, at times enduring the life we saw by faith during those first few trying months in the hospital.

I think more than anything this experience with Alicia has deepened Linda and my faith, and shown us what it truly means to live a life of faith. I think the best description I've ever heard of faith is seeing something in the future as if it had already happened. In other words, having a memory of something that has yet to happen. And that truly was what Linda and I experienced during the first third of Alicia's young life.

During our residency in the hospital, though the prognosis was often otherwise,  Linda and I would see glimpses in our minds of the day when we would hold Alicia, hear her cry, see her smile, play with her. Things that we now do on a daily basis. This is no credit to us. I know that we were purely thriving on God's grace and the prayers of all you saints.

Prior to becoming a father, I would often hear people tell me that once you become a parent, you get truly a deeper grasp of the Heavenly Father's love for us. And I think I've always accepted this to be true cognitively, but it's not until these last 10 months, that I've truly begun to understand in my heart just how true this statement is.

A few examples. I don't know whether it's because we've got a kid in the house and they tend to carry germs more easily, but I've had several minor colds in the past few months. Prior to Alicia I'd get sick maybe at most once a year, now in the past 10 months, I think I've caught about 3 colds. During the previous cold, Alicia had also been sick. And that was misery for her and for us too. Because of her sore throat, it hurt for her to eat. And so though she was hungry, she would turn her head away, cry and flail her arms in an attempt to keep the bottle away from her. Poor girl. Thankfully, with some medicine she was feeling better within a few days, just in time for a couple of her teeth to start popping in. Causing a whole new round of hunger coupled with refusal to eat. But I digress.

Over the past few days, my throat has started to feel funny again, but so far, it seems that I'm the only one infected. Praise the Lord. The other day, while I was washing dishes, I started thinking how grateful I was that I was the only one who seemed to be uncomfortable. In fact, I thought, if it came down to it, I would take on any cold, any sickness, if it meant that my baby girl could be healthy and enjoy her life. Then the though occurred to me, this, on a much small scale, must be how God felt when he sent Jesus to this Earth to die for us. He would rather suffer, than have us suffer. He would pay any price so we could have life, and have life to the full. Amazing.

One other example. Babies are constantly changing. When Alicia was first born, her looks were still developing so it wasn't really clear whether she looked more like me or Linda. We pieced together that she definitely has Linda's eyes and my nose, but the rest of it wasn't so clear. Well, over the past few months, Alicia has truly been morphing into a mini-me. Which could perhaps be chalked up to this father's overgrown imagination if it weren't for the fact that nearly every person Alicia meets comments on the fact.

And if I'll be honest, every time I hear someone say, "She looks just her father." My heart swells. She is mine. She bears my image. And once again, I can't help but think about our Heavenly Father, and why he made it a point to tell us that we were also made in his image.

One day, I was holding Alicia in my arms and just staring down at her and saw a cuter, more feminine version of my face staring back at me. I saw a reflection of myself in this little girl, and my love for her just expanded. Not because of some narcissistic love for myself, but because I realized this is truly my daughter.

And I can't help but wonder if that's how God feels when he looks at us. He sees a reflection of himself in us, a mark that we are truly his children, created to belong to him, as a part of him. Also, I can't help but think how the Father's heart must swell each time one of his children is recognized as his. Each time someone acknowledges that one his children bears his image and is just like him. It's no wonder that he is constantly working to transform us so that we can be more and more Christ-like each and every day, so that we can be his ambassadors in this dark world. So we can be Christians - little Christs for those who have never seen or don't know God.

I have just only begun this journey of fatherhood, and while definitely trying at times, I wouldn't trade it for anything. Alicia is truly a treasure, and I think I will never stop taking pleasure in showing her off to the world. =) She's our little sunbeam. She carries a bit of both Linda and I in her, and I cannot wait to see the kind of woman she develops into. But in the meantime, I will cherish each moment I have with her. I will cradle her as often as I can, and relish in the moments when she nestles with total abandon in my chest. I know these days will pass by in a blur. Soon she will be too big, and too "grown up" to nestle. But you know what, no matter how grown she gets, she will forever be my princess. My precious girl.

Happy 10 months, baby girl. Daddy loves you.

Good Results

Alicia is asleep. My heart is at rest as well. Today has been a good day. Thank you for praying with us, friends. Your love has been received and we carry it dear to our hearts.

Campbell and I took Alicia to the hospital today to hear about the results of several tests. I was so glad that Campbell could come with us since this appointment was pretty important. I didn't want to face Alicia's doctor alone. (A clarification: Follow up appointments for a preemie are crucial in determining how well she is doing and growing. The follow up appointments happen at six months, one year, one and a half year and two years old.) Two weeks ago, Alicia had her six months development evaluation. She also had a hearing test and a brain scan. We found out the results of all these tests today. 

The results are:

Alicia is doing well. 

1. When Alicia was born, she had experienced a bit of brain trauma. Most preemies born that early would more likely to have some kind of brain trauma. Because of this, her motor skills may or may not be affected. So far, her limbs are not overly stiff or limp. So this is GOOD. 

2. She is quite strong. Her neck support is excellent. She can hold herself up well when she is on her tummy. 

3. She is quite responsive and social. She is pretty vocal. There are many times I know she's talking but I can't understand her language yet although her facial expressions are very telling of her feelings. She loves having people around. She is not shy; actually she is very fascinated with people's faces. She loves to smile and one of my most favorite thing to do is to make her laugh-which to her mama's great joy--she does often.

4. Her hearing is normal.

5. Her brain scan shows the same white matter in the brain like before. So that's good. Her pediatrician says everything looks OK and stable. She says we don't need to do another brain scan in a long long time.  :) 

There are some area that needs improvement.

1. Her size. Her weight and height are below average. Of course, this is compared to babies at 6 months. So definitely, she is a lot smaller. That's OK. But the thing is she lost a bit of weight this month. Dr. Chang (her pediatrician) is not worried though. Alicia has been teething this month and hasn't been eating well. So she says just try our best to feed her and give her more solids. 

2. Her motor skills. Ever since her development evaluation, Campbell and I have been daily helping Alicia practice grasping toys and playing with them. And she is making great improvements already. She's been grasping her toys and chewing on them like a champ. :) According to Dr. Chang, at six months, babies should be able to grasp and hold toys and switch the toy from one hand to another. Alicia hasn't gotten to this level yet.

3. Her left hand is noticeably weaker than her right hand. This is probably due to the brain trauma. We just need to help her exercise her left hand more. We will also go see a physical therapist who will help her as well.

4. She hasn't quite master the skill of rolling over. She has rolled over a few times but it happens sporadically. So we've been helping her flip over every day. She's getting better though. She can flip to her side on her own and she is quite the little mover already. For example, I lay her down vertically and the next thing I know, she's already horizontal on the bed. 

A very possible reason to why there is this delay to her development is simply because she is still quite small. So her strength may not be as strong and her hands may not be as big to comfortable grasp the toys. But she's getting there. 

There was a few times throughout the hospital visit today where I felt like I have not taken care of Alicia well. I questioned whether I am adequate. In fact, I felt very inadequate. Campbell could tell and told me to stop beating myself up. I just felt like I should have fed her better or tried feeding her more solids this past month. I was disheartened to find that her weight was down. I voiced my heart to Dr. Chang who so tenderly reminded me that Alicia has already made such remarkable leaps of growth. I need to be patient with myself as much as I need to be trusting and patient with Alicia's growth. 

I shook off the discouragement and thanked the Lord for His faithfulness. Praise God that He got us through these weeks of tests and evaluation. Thank Daddy God that we know how we can parent and help Alicia. It was a great day at the hospital. Campbell and I walked out of Mackay Hospital with a joyful heart. 

And tonight after dinner, I bought two books for myself. One is a baby food cookbook and another is great book about baby's development and health. Both books are in Chinese. I am looking forward in improving my mama's skills as well as my Chinese. This mama is growing up with her daughter. 

Family and friends, thank you for your prayers and love. Thank you for walking with us not just today but throughout our journey. What an adventure it has been already. Even though many people still make comments about how small Alicia is. My heart swells looking at how BIG she is already. She is doing so well. Campbell and I are so proud of her. We go from glory to glory, strength to strength. Because God is with us, each day gets better and our strength only gets stronger. 

"It is good to give thanks to the Lord,
    to sing praises to the Most High.
² It is good to proclaim your unfailing love in the morning,
    your faithfulness in the evening" Psalm 92:1,2

Back to Where it All Began

We took Alicia back to visit her NICU today. Quite epic, if I do say so myself.

As part of our Chinese New Year vacation plans, we scheduled time in Taichung to see my sister-in-law and her family. Of course, Taichung is also Alicia's birthplace, so seeing as we were in town, we made it a point to make time to go back and visit the doctors and nurses who were so vital to Alicia's care during the early days of her life.

Earlier this week, Linda contacted the head nurse at our NICU to let her know of our plans. She like 90% of Taiwan was also on Chinese New Year break until today. When she got back to work this morning, she informed her co-workers in the NICU that we were coming today, and from what I hear there was quite a buzz of excitement over the return of our little princess.

We were a little late in arriving at the hospital this afternoon. As we were pulling up to the parking garage, we got a call from the head nurse asking us where we were because everyone was eagerly anticipating our arrival. I had no idea how eager everyone was, until the elevator doors opened and we were greeted by an entourage of nurses and doctors at the door.

No sooner had I freed Alicia from our Baby Björn and she was in the arms of her primary care physician. Seeing the joy in her face and the faces of our nursing friends at seeing Alicia really warmed my heart. They really loved our little Alicia, and I could tell that they were really excited to see how much she's grown and how well she's doing.

We also got the privilege to meet the mom of one of the current NICU residents. The NICU had contacted Linda about a month after we left, asking if they could put her in touch with this woman, because they believed that Linda would be able to offer some comfort and encouragement to her. So Linda has been talking to this mom for several months now, and Linda invited her to come to the NICU today so that we could all meet up. The NICU doctors were really great, knowing that Linda and this woman had a special relationship, they let us in so that we could meet Alicia's classmate, Baby Lisa. The neat thing is Baby Lisa is the current occupant of Bed 13, Alicia's old spot. And as the nurses pointed out, their names are really similar - Alicia and Lisa.

What you say? The two names aren't similar at all? Well, that's because you're pronouncing Alicia with an American accent. You forget our Taiwanese nurses have renamed our daughter Ah-Leesa. HAHA. Lisa - Aleesa, pretty similar, eh? =) haha.

Anyway, it was kind of surreal being in our old spot, standing over an incubator, with a baby looking so much like our little Alicia did back so many months ago with her blindfold, oversized diaper and tubes. However, this time it wasn't Alicia we were looking at. Alicia was being cradled in one of the nurses arms, looking somewhat giant next to her younger classmates. This time we were staring down at someone else's daughter. It felt like more than a lifetime ago when we ourselves were in that same spot, encouraging our daughter to breathe and to get stronger so we could take her home. In fact, it felt like another lifetime, someone else's lifetime when we ourselves were clinging onto our doctor's every diagnosis, every day praying for good news.

It was also during our visit that I was reminded again of how pavlovian I had become to the sound of monitors beeping. During our visit with Lisa, her oxygen monitor started beeping, and without thinking my eyes flickered straight to her monitor to check her vitals. My response didn't even strike me as odd until a few seconds later when the doctor noticing my reaction asked me if these sites and sounds brought back lots of memories. Truth is, they did. But again, it really felt to me like another life, another time.

Looking at our daughter, we truly do just rejoice. She is truly a miracle to behold, and a beauty to relish. Being back in Alicia's, what the Chinese call "niang jia" or "maiden home" I couldn't help but be filled with gratitude for how far we've come in our journey with our little girl.

I heard a description today of living a life of faith that I felt was a really apt description of what Linda and I went through. The speaker in describing a life of faith stated that it is basically having memories of the future in the present. And that's exactly how Linda and I felt during those four months while Alicia was still in the hospital. Each day, we could see, feel and remember the sensation of having Alicia home with us - holding her in our arms, playing with her, bathing her, putting her to bed, changing her diaper, etc... - even though none of it had happened yet, and everything around us was telling us that it may never happen. We saw it in our mind's eye, in our spirit as if it had already happened. And now, it's a reality.

It's like I've said before, during those for months, it was as if we were waiting for our present reality to catch up with what we saw with eyes of faith.

God is good. He is powerful. Alicia is a living testimony of that. To God be the glory.

Sleeping Beauty

Alicia is asleep in my arms, and so I'm typing one-handed right now while pondering the age old question - to wake or not to wake.

To try to answer my question, I did what any young X-gen parent of the 21st century would do - I googled it. Answer I found - it depends on your child's age and weight. OK. So is that birth age or adjusted age? =) Sorry, preemie-parent humor.

But honestly, looking down at my daughter right now, I truly marvel at how far we've come since our days in the NICU. There was a link on the webpage I was reading to an article about caring for preemies, and I felt kind of odd reading it, like, I was reading about something that was completely irrelevant to me. The funny thing is that not too long ago, this article had everything to do with me and my family. But looking at my rosy-cheeked daughter fast asleep in my arms, those days of tubes, vents and wires seem like a far-off dream.

Back then, I often dreamed and pictured what life would be like when we brought our little girl home. Faith told me back then that even though Alicia's prognosis for survival and full health were slim, that we would one day have her at home with us healthy and whole. I had no idea however, that those days in the NICU would so quickly fade into a distant memory for me.

Alicia these days is 100% healthy and whole. She is like any other normal, bouncy 4-month-old, her size the only giveaway that she was ever a preemie. She loves to stand up and test out her legs, and she has the most adorable, most curious eyes you've ever seen. One of Linda and my greatest pleasures is to smile or talk to our daughter and have her reward us with her cute, toothless grin. Also, the sound of her laughter and cooing is seriously something to be cherished.

It's a new year, and who knows what it holds. A year ago today, we had only just learned about the existence of our little Alicia Charis, and today, here she is in my arms. Crazy.

As our Christmas card said, "Glory to God in the Highest." For truly, for me to have a baby girl in my arms cutting off my circulation as I type these words, it's truly amazing.

May God bless you all in the new year and may your greatest wishes and desires be fulfilled over the next 12 months.