Back to Where it All Began

We took Alicia back to visit her NICU today. Quite epic, if I do say so myself.

As part of our Chinese New Year vacation plans, we scheduled time in Taichung to see my sister-in-law and her family. Of course, Taichung is also Alicia's birthplace, so seeing as we were in town, we made it a point to make time to go back and visit the doctors and nurses who were so vital to Alicia's care during the early days of her life.

Earlier this week, Linda contacted the head nurse at our NICU to let her know of our plans. She like 90% of Taiwan was also on Chinese New Year break until today. When she got back to work this morning, she informed her co-workers in the NICU that we were coming today, and from what I hear there was quite a buzz of excitement over the return of our little princess.

We were a little late in arriving at the hospital this afternoon. As we were pulling up to the parking garage, we got a call from the head nurse asking us where we were because everyone was eagerly anticipating our arrival. I had no idea how eager everyone was, until the elevator doors opened and we were greeted by an entourage of nurses and doctors at the door.

No sooner had I freed Alicia from our Baby Björn and she was in the arms of her primary care physician. Seeing the joy in her face and the faces of our nursing friends at seeing Alicia really warmed my heart. They really loved our little Alicia, and I could tell that they were really excited to see how much she's grown and how well she's doing.

We also got the privilege to meet the mom of one of the current NICU residents. The NICU had contacted Linda about a month after we left, asking if they could put her in touch with this woman, because they believed that Linda would be able to offer some comfort and encouragement to her. So Linda has been talking to this mom for several months now, and Linda invited her to come to the NICU today so that we could all meet up. The NICU doctors were really great, knowing that Linda and this woman had a special relationship, they let us in so that we could meet Alicia's classmate, Baby Lisa. The neat thing is Baby Lisa is the current occupant of Bed 13, Alicia's old spot. And as the nurses pointed out, their names are really similar - Alicia and Lisa.

What you say? The two names aren't similar at all? Well, that's because you're pronouncing Alicia with an American accent. You forget our Taiwanese nurses have renamed our daughter Ah-Leesa. HAHA. Lisa - Aleesa, pretty similar, eh? =) haha.

Anyway, it was kind of surreal being in our old spot, standing over an incubator, with a baby looking so much like our little Alicia did back so many months ago with her blindfold, oversized diaper and tubes. However, this time it wasn't Alicia we were looking at. Alicia was being cradled in one of the nurses arms, looking somewhat giant next to her younger classmates. This time we were staring down at someone else's daughter. It felt like more than a lifetime ago when we ourselves were in that same spot, encouraging our daughter to breathe and to get stronger so we could take her home. In fact, it felt like another lifetime, someone else's lifetime when we ourselves were clinging onto our doctor's every diagnosis, every day praying for good news.

It was also during our visit that I was reminded again of how pavlovian I had become to the sound of monitors beeping. During our visit with Lisa, her oxygen monitor started beeping, and without thinking my eyes flickered straight to her monitor to check her vitals. My response didn't even strike me as odd until a few seconds later when the doctor noticing my reaction asked me if these sites and sounds brought back lots of memories. Truth is, they did. But again, it really felt to me like another life, another time.

Looking at our daughter, we truly do just rejoice. She is truly a miracle to behold, and a beauty to relish. Being back in Alicia's, what the Chinese call "niang jia" or "maiden home" I couldn't help but be filled with gratitude for how far we've come in our journey with our little girl.

I heard a description today of living a life of faith that I felt was a really apt description of what Linda and I went through. The speaker in describing a life of faith stated that it is basically having memories of the future in the present. And that's exactly how Linda and I felt during those four months while Alicia was still in the hospital. Each day, we could see, feel and remember the sensation of having Alicia home with us - holding her in our arms, playing with her, bathing her, putting her to bed, changing her diaper, etc... - even though none of it had happened yet, and everything around us was telling us that it may never happen. We saw it in our mind's eye, in our spirit as if it had already happened. And now, it's a reality.

It's like I've said before, during those for months, it was as if we were waiting for our present reality to catch up with what we saw with eyes of faith.

God is good. He is powerful. Alicia is a living testimony of that. To God be the glory.

Sleeping Beauty

Alicia is asleep in my arms, and so I'm typing one-handed right now while pondering the age old question - to wake or not to wake.

To try to answer my question, I did what any young X-gen parent of the 21st century would do - I googled it. Answer I found - it depends on your child's age and weight. OK. So is that birth age or adjusted age? =) Sorry, preemie-parent humor.

But honestly, looking down at my daughter right now, I truly marvel at how far we've come since our days in the NICU. There was a link on the webpage I was reading to an article about caring for preemies, and I felt kind of odd reading it, like, I was reading about something that was completely irrelevant to me. The funny thing is that not too long ago, this article had everything to do with me and my family. But looking at my rosy-cheeked daughter fast asleep in my arms, those days of tubes, vents and wires seem like a far-off dream.

Back then, I often dreamed and pictured what life would be like when we brought our little girl home. Faith told me back then that even though Alicia's prognosis for survival and full health were slim, that we would one day have her at home with us healthy and whole. I had no idea however, that those days in the NICU would so quickly fade into a distant memory for me.

Alicia these days is 100% healthy and whole. She is like any other normal, bouncy 4-month-old, her size the only giveaway that she was ever a preemie. She loves to stand up and test out her legs, and she has the most adorable, most curious eyes you've ever seen. One of Linda and my greatest pleasures is to smile or talk to our daughter and have her reward us with her cute, toothless grin. Also, the sound of her laughter and cooing is seriously something to be cherished.

It's a new year, and who knows what it holds. A year ago today, we had only just learned about the existence of our little Alicia Charis, and today, here she is in my arms. Crazy.

As our Christmas card said, "Glory to God in the Highest." For truly, for me to have a baby girl in my arms cutting off my circulation as I type these words, it's truly amazing.

May God bless you all in the new year and may your greatest wishes and desires be fulfilled over the next 12 months.

Alicia's First Christmas

Here's a video our friend put together of Alicia's first Christmas. Merry Christmas everyone!!

How Are You?

Hi, friends. It's Linda.

Campbell just went to sleep. Alicia is sound asleep in her Moses' basket. It's just me up again. And somehow I found my way to Alicia's blog and trying to write down some coherent thoughts. Being coherent is kind of fleeting for me these days. Is that natural part of being a mom now? Just kidding. .. I think.

But truly, there are so many times I want to write to you all and thank you personally and communicate with you my heart and thoughts. Back when I was still living to see Alicia twice a day at the NICU, I would ramble off to Campbell my heart. He would encourage me to blog about it, saying that people would want to hear "how I am doing" and "what's going on with me" and these revelations I'm having. He said it would encourage people. I want to encourage people. I like encouraging people.

Yet when I get in front of the computer, and go to our blog and click on a "new post"... and when I see that blank page of all that whiteness... my mind does exactly that... blank. White. Nothing. So then I just sign off because I can't just sit there trying to think of something to say. One, because I don't want to force it. Second, I'm tired and I don't want to do anything that is draining. Thirdly, I'd probably need to eat, sleep or pump. So many excuses, eh? :)

Funny when inspiration would hit me though. Usually it was in the car on the way to see Alicia at the hospital. I would get a light blub moment in the quietness of the car ride. I would think and ponder and go OH God, that's good! Thank you for that. I should blog about that. And then... I didn't. Truthfully, I'd rather watch a good episode of the current Korean drama I was watching.

So now after Alicia is home with us for a good two plus months, I find myself wondering... yeah, how am I doing? I am not sure.

Since I turned 30 last week, I had such good times hanging out with some dear friends. All of them would ask me in different ways the same question: "How are you?" It's a question I've asked people for years. And it's a question I take seriously. When I ask people that question, I do mean it. I want to know how they truly are. (Can you tell I don't small talk...) I love that question and I (used to) enjoy answering that question myself. I believe that I am pretty self aware. Yet, this week when my friends kept asking me that question, I found myself evading it until I just realized. I have no idea how I am doing. I feel very numb inside.

On the most part, I am so uttttterly thankful. I am so completely in awe of the Lord. He alone carries us through and continues to hold us in His love. I see Him in every moment of discovery with Alicia. I praise Him at each growth in her. Overall, I am happy. Thrilled. Content. Tired, but truly happy to be home with my husband and daughter. Yet, there is a slight discord in my spirit.

What is it?

I realized that I am finding myself again. I am rediscovering who I am and what I've become through the (early) arrival of our precious Alicia. Since she came on the scene, I've let go of all thoughts of "how am I" and lived only on survivor mode. I did what I had to do. I ate, slept and pumped and visited her. I prayed and trusted the Lord. I watched (A LOT) of Korean dramas. I loved on other preemies and parents at the hospital because it came naturally since I've been through what they are experiencing. Now at home, I am very much preoccupied with taking care of Alicia. And I so am enjoying it. Still in my heart and spirit, there was this numbness that I can't explain. This disconnect between my mind and heart.

I think it's only now that I'm slowly thawing out and processing. So hopefully, I'll be blogging a bit more now. I hope to share with you. More. In time. Because there are some jewels in this journey. I'm getting all the spoils of this battle, my friends. Oh yeah. Praise the Lord. He knows how to position us for victory. We definitely did not go through this fiery furnace for nothing.

I know Daddy is walking with me through this and expanding the tents of my heart. I am forever changed. Just like every woman and man who becomes a parent. Isn't God amazing to write an unique tale for each one of us?

There is more to come!

30 years and 6 months

It's been quite awhile since I've had time or the energy to sit down and blog. Finally, all the business is on a hiatus and well, here I am.

Over the past few weeks, I've definitely had moments of, "Oh, I need to write that on the blog." or "That would make a good entry." Unfortunately, I didn't write any of it down, so now I've forgotten what those things were. =)

No matter. There is still plenty to write about and plenty to be thankful for.

Yesterday, November 29, 2011, was my dear wife's 30th birthday. Being that it was such a milestone of a birthday, my brain started to kick into gear about two months before her birthday, trying to figure out the best way to celebrate. First, I was worried because I was involved in a musical at the time, and that coupled with my full-time job and also being the parent of a newborn, I had very, very little mental capacity to do any sort of planning or masterminding for a big celebration.

Second, having a very young child who we needed to keep away from large crowds, it became an issue of how do we have a party, but limit the number of people who come. Also, there was thquestion of how to celebrate, do we have dinner, dessert, stay home or go out? So many different things to consider.

Thankfully, God gave me the inspiration to do a week of pampering for Linda, which in a way is easier to plan because it helps with the crowd control, but also allows for the extension of the celebration for a whole week. =)

Since I'm trying to keep each day a surprise, I won't go into many details about what all of it entails. But thus far, she's gotten a hairwash, dinner with yours truly, and right now she's away getting a facial. There are still five more days of pampering left for Linda to look forward to.

I think more than anything Linda has enjoyed having time to herself, without needing to worry about feeding Alicia, or changing her diaper, or making sure that she's taken care of. We have been blessed with wonderful friends and family who have taken Alicia under their wings for a few hours so that Linda can get out. I think that's been good for Linda. I think one of the hardest things about having Alicia home for the past two months is that she hasn't had a break. As any full-time parent knows, taking care of a newborn is a 24-hour job.

Speaking of our baby girl. She is an absolute doll. What a testament to the power of prayer and faith and the faithfulness of our Heavenly Father.

Seriously, looking at her now, one could almost forget that she was ever in any medical danger. All vitals are functioning 100% normal, and she is as active as all get out. I feel like when this little girl is awake, and happy, she is constantly on the move kicking her legs, waving her arms. And she is truly one happy, happy baby. She has started to respond to our smiles and cooing, with her own smiles and coos which I absolutely love.

From a young age, she would often smile, but over the past month, she's begun to smile in response to things that we do, and seriously, every time her little face lights up with a grin, I just want to envelop her with my love.

It seems that I'm not alone. There is just something about Alicia that people are just enamored by. I'm not saying this to be proud, because honestly, I had very little to do with how she is. But there is just something about her that people are just captivated by and attracted to. People are drawn to her in a very odd and inexplicable reason. =) Which I have to say, makes this Poppa's heart proud.

So what are some of the most common things that we hear about Alicia when they see or meet her for the first time?

Usually, the first thing people mention are the size of her eyes. She has these really large doe eyes with the biggest pupils I've ever seen. I could stare into her eyes for days. More than one person has mentioned how it looks like she's wearing those contacts that make your pupils look bigger. Her eyes are pretty amazing.

Next most common thing we hear is that she looks mixed or white. I can't quite place my finger on what it is that makes her appear that way, but since we hear that from practically every person that meets her for the first time, there must be some truth to it.

People also often comment on how quiet and peaceful she is. Which is really, really true. I think I mentioned in a previous post, that the only time I ever really hear Alicia cry is when she's hungry. When she's well-fed, she's usually pretty quiet and smiley. She doesn't even cry when she's got a dirty diaper. This is definitely, definitely God's gift to us. I don't know how I would handle it if we had an inconsolable, colicky child. I mean we'd definitely deal with it for sure. But to have Alicia be so happy and content makes me happy.

One thing that I've observed is that Alicia really is secure. She doesn't seem to have any sense of trauma or abandonment issues. She really seems to be very confident and secure. She knows that she is loved and that she is cherished, and I think that that is a great gift.

So I guess what I'm trying to say through all this "boasting" is THANK YOU! Your prayers and thoughts and well wishes have made the biggest difference in our family, and especially in the life of the little miracle we call, Alicia.

Now if we could just get her to sleep 8 or more hours at night, we'd be set! =)

Life

It's been several weeks since I've updated. So sorry about that. It's in part due to the exhaustion of having a newborn around the house, and also in part due to the fact that there really hasn't been that much to report.

Life with Alicia has been fantastically, exhaustingly normal. Looking at her now, other than the fact that she's a bit smaller than other kids of her adjusted age, you really wouldn't know that she was ever a preemie. In fact, it almost takes a conscious effort to remember those first few months when our little girl was in the hospital.

Our little girl. Such a precious, precious gift.

I have to say though, there were several moments over the past few weeks, when I really nearly lost it on her. For the most part, Alicia only cries when she's hungry. Which is a huge blessing. The problem was that there were a few days when though she was hungry, she wouldn't eat, and she just kept crying and throwing a tantrum. It was so frustrating.

I couldn't help but think back to one of my earlier entries where I was ranting about wanting Alicia home with me. I think I even said, "Wake me up in the middle of the night. Cry! I don't care." Haha. Yeah... well, I had no idea what I was talking about.

I mean, don't get me wrong, I cherish each and every moment I have with my darling little girl. In fact, right now, she's sleeping soundly on my chest as I type. I treasure these moments. But there are definitely those moments that just drive you crazy.

Thankfully, the biggest blessing came last week when she started sleeping "through the night". For the longest time, I was starting to wonder if we were ever going to sleep for more than three hours at a time. But by God's grace and amazing providence, if we feed her at 12:00, Alicia has been able to stave off the hunger pains and let us "sleep in" until 5:00 or 6:00 a.m. We've been trying to keep her on the "eat, wake, sleep" schedule and so far, it seems to work pretty well. I think the key is consistency and putting in an extra bit of effort to keep her on schedule.

Speaking of which, I have to say that my wife has been doing an amazing, amazing job being the sole caretaker of our baby girl. Linda's life is pretty much 100% wrapped up in taking care of Alicia now. These days, she doesn't step out of the house but one day a week to take Alicia to the hospital. I mean, I don't know how she does it, but she literally doesn't go out 6 out of 7 days. I would go stir crazy, I mean seriously. But she does it, and I barely ever hear a peep of complaint out of her.

God's grace is amazing. AMAZING. I tell you. God told me before Alicia was born that the word over this next generation of our family would be grace, and he confirmed it, when my father on his own accord chose "恩" (grace) to be the recurring character in the name of all the kids in Alicia's generation.

It has been an amazing privilege and satisfaction to watch my little girl get bigger and bigger each day. She's even started to out grow some of her preemie clothes which at once gives me a sense of pride and also comfort knowing that we must be doing something right.

At this point, she is still growing a bit slow, but we believe that she will catch up soon. She's doing so well all other areas, we have no doubt that she'll continue to thrive in all aspects.

Her eyes are stable and ROP hasn't gotten worse, so that's a praise. She's continuing to go through her rounds of vaccinations and she takes each shot like a pro. She is also absolutely social and loves to interact with people. She's even started to smile in response to our voices or faces, which just absolutely melts my heart. She's also so, absolutely smart and full of life.

I couldn't be prouder of my little girl! =) She is a miracle and a testament to the power of our great and MIGHTY GOD! =)

The Provider

Some of you know, and some of you don't, that I have been in a sort of a funk lately. I can't remember exactly when it started, but I think a lot of it is centered around trying to find my purpose, direction and destiny in life.

I mean this is something that I've been trying to figure out for quite a few years now, but I think since becoming a father, a lot of the struggle has been intesified.

There is so much that I want to do an so much that I want to accomplish, yet in many ways I feel stuck and lost as to how to move forward. I feel paralyzed in a way because there are so many different roads to choose from.

Also, it feels like in some ways that there is this giant wall blocking my way to my destiny and I've been struggling and struggling trying to find a way over it, but to no avail.

Many of you know that one of my big dreams has always been to be an actor and to make it big on both stage and screen. And I've been able to reach that goal to a certain degree but I want more.

For as long as I can remember, I've also wanted to be a father. I've loved kids since, well since I was a kid. I don't know why. God has just put this heart in me to love on the little ones. Thankfully, this past year, this goal has been fulfilled.

I also, as "ungodly" to some as it may sound, want to be rich. I'd like to live in financial freedom and not necessarily need to work just to make money. I'd like to be able to provide a life for my family and not ever need to worry about paying bills. I want to work out of pleasure and not out of necessisty.

For me, a lot of the struggle these past few months is that I feel like I don't know how to marry these three main goals in my life. I feel like if I focus on one or the other without the other two suffering. If I work on my entertainment career, that takes away time from family and work. If I work on work, then entertainment and family suffer. And if I give my time to the family then I feel like I'm neglecting the other two.

My wife, wise woman that she is, sensing my struggles invited several of our close friends over to our house to encourage me. Man, it was good.

I was reminded that God has a design and purpose for me in this world that no one else can fulfill, and that in the right time he will lead me to finding my way through that brick wall that I've been sensing looming over me. Also, one of the friends spoke something, that I took deeply to heart, and it felt like water to my thirsty soul.

He said that as he was listening to me share, he felt God saying that for right now in this time of our lives, I should focus on being the father and the husband, and to not worry about being the provider. God is the provider. Oh, man. That was good to hear.

I think a lot of my struggle was wanting to pursue my dream, but also wanting to be a good husband and dad, and also wanting to provide a good life for my family. I felt like I was being pulled at the seems and I was coming apart. I felt guilty when I was pursuing my dreams because I felt like I was neglecting my family and other resonsibilities. However, if I was with my family, I'd feel guilty because I felt like I wasn't providing.

But I really like the reminder that God is the provider. He is Jehovah Jireh. The GREAT provider. And honestly, I've seen this truth evidenced so muh more clearly lately than any other time in my life.

Over and over during the past few months, in preparation to bring Alicia home, we'll talk about needing this or that, and miraculously within a few days, someone on their own accord will talk to us and offer us the very thing that we had just talked about needing without us mentioning a word to them.

For example, we knew that we needed a stroller, and after looking at various ones, we felt that it might be good to get a stroller that had a detachable carseat. Lo and behold, not a week after talking about it a friend of ours called telling us that they'd like to give us their stroller/carseat because their own bundle of joy had outgrown it.

Then we talked about needing a sterilizer for Alicia's bottles and pacifiers, and not long afterwards, my brother calls me from the states asking if I needed a sterilizer since they had been gifted with two of them.

The same goes for preemie clothes, books, diaper changing pads, carriers, a bathtub, a breastfeeding cover, a mosquito net, curtains, lotion, soap, safety gate, bottles, and the list goes on and on.

Did we do anything to deserve this? Definitely not. It was all the grace of God and the love and kindness of our friends and family. THANK YOU to many, many of you for your kindness, love and generosity. You have been an amazing blessing.

So, yes, I will continue to focus on being a good father and husband, and leave the rest in God's more than capable hands. =)