Prior to having a child of my own, I thought I knew a thing or two about parenthood. I'd look at parents with their children, and I confess, I'd judge. "I'll never yell at my child in public." "Look at them, why can't they control their kids? My kids will be so much better behaved." "Those parents are softies. They let their kids run their lives." Ha. Oh, my naivete.
Thing is, I know I'm not alone. I have read a number of blog posts and articles, written mostly by moms, that have confessed the very thing that I just shared. Many writers frame their posts as an open letter of apology to any and all parents they may have judged in the past. I guess, I'll follow suit.
I'M SORRY.
To the parents with the kid who takes forever to eat, or refuses to eat, that I judged. I'm sorry. To those parents that co-slept with their children, that I looked down on. I'm sorry.
I am learning fast and hard that parenting IS NOT easy. I read books, I tried to prepare, but seriously, I feel like when you're actually on the field in the game, most of that knowledge just goes right out the window.
When I first started out in this world of parenting, I was determined to be the model father - one who walked the fine line of love and discipline. One who would have well-behaved children, who knew they were loved and yet would keep in line and know what to do when and where. I rejected the notion that my daughter would ever be capable of wrapping me around her little pinky. I was the authority, not her, she would live by my direction and not the opposite way around.
Right. Did someone just splash cold water on me, because I am now fully awakened and out of my dream-like fantasy?
The longer I am a father, the more I realize, I have NO IDEA what I'm doing. Half the time I'm guessing at what the best thing to do is. I try to stay strong and maintain discipline, but I fear crossing the boundary and inflicting some trauma or emotional scar on her.
One clear, example, as those of you who are my friends on Facebook know, is the idea of sleep training. Seriously, I thought I knew what I was supposed to do, but truthfully? I don't.
I got into this thing, completely believing in the philosophy that a child needs to sleep in his or her own bed, and they need to learn how to soothe themselves to sleep. If that means crying it out a couple of nights, then that means crying it out a couple of nights. I was determined to have a heart of steel, my child will cry, and I will be immune.
Linda (my wife) and I even had several arguments about the best way to put Alicia to sleep. I felt Linda was being too soft, she felt I was being too hard. And I was angry. I really wanted to teach Alicia to sleep on her own. But it was hard for Linda to hear Alicia crying so relentlessly. I even went so far as to lock Linda out of the room so I could put Alicia to bed MY way. (Note to husbands out there, NOT A GOOD IDEA, unless you really want to see the Mama Bear rear its claws.)
As determined as I was, I quickly learned that I was no superhero. And even if I were, every superhero has his weakness. My Kryptonite? The tear-soaked, snot-smeared red face of my poor little girl as she cries pitifully on her knees with her arms raised begging me to pick her up. I mean, I couldn't. I just COULDN'T just leave her there.
Eventually, Linda and I came to a compromise, and by compromise I mean, I completely crumpled to the pressure and we have been rocking Alicia to sleep and lying in bed with her until she's asleep pretty much every night since she was a few months old.
Oh, don't get me wrong, we've tried, several times in the past year or so to do the sleep training thing. We got into a few more arguments. I even tried to do research to prove that I was right. Yeah, well, I don't know what's right. Is there even a right?
It just doesn't feel right to let a child cry out in desperation and not respond. I mean what does that teach them? I know the arguments. Life is cruel. People are harsh. We don't always get what we want. But really? Are we, as parents, supposed to be the ones to inflict that on them so they can learn?
So often I try to think what God would do? I mean, he's supposedly the perfect Father, so what would he do? Somehow, I just can't imagine him turning his back on us if we're crying out desperately to him.
And thing is, I know the idea of putting them in their crib, leaving the room and letting them cry it out. But again, I just feel wrong about that. Cause I mean, how do I know that it's just she doesn't want to go to sleep? What if I'm wrong? What if she just really doesn't want to be left alone? What if she's scared? What if she's really stressed out about the separation? Am I to just leave her? How does that not create abandonment issues?
Let me take a break here and say that I'm not advocating or condoning one method over another. I am not placing any sort of judgment or criticism on the cry-it-out method or the co-sleeping method. I am simply sharing with you my thought process. So if I have offended, please forgive.
Back to what I was saying. So recently, Linda and I thought it might be time for Alicia to transition into her own bed. She's getting bigger, and so three of us on the bed is getting a bit crammed. And honestly, I don't think I've have one night of uninterrupted rest whenever she sleeps with us. It's not that she wakes up, because on most nights she sleeps through the night. It's just that she moves around a lot, so if it's not a foot in the face, it's a head-butt to the gut - hard not to wake up under these circumstances. So we thought, OK, let's try to teach her to sleep in her own crib.
Right. You'd think I was inflicting some sort of cruel and unusual punishment on the child, the way she carried on. Eventually, I had to tag out. Linda took over, rocked her to bed, and then placed in her in the crib, while I went to do some self-soothing of my own.
The next morning, Linda took Alicia for a routine check-up with a doctor specializing in developmental issues. Linda shared with her how we were trying to transition Alicia into her own bed. The doctor actually recommended that we not rush.
She asked Linda if Alicia when sleeping with us, would crawl over to one or the other of us and insist on some sort of physical contact with us. Linda confirmed that this was indeed the case. We'd place Alicia somewhere between us while we're settling in for the night, and try our best not to to touch her, for fear of disturbing her sleep. But somehow in the middle of the night, Alicia would always crawl or somehow maneuver her body so that her hand, her head, her foot... some part of her body was in contact with either I or Linda.
The doctor explained that since Alicia was born so early, she lost three crucial months in the womb for bonding and connecting with mom. It's also during these last three months that the senses are developed and infants brains learn to receive and organize various stimuli. So now, she seeks out extra stimuli in a way to make up for what she lost in those last three months.
Also, the co-sleeping allows her to build a bond and connection with us that she didn't get in those four months in the incubator. So apparently, her co-sleeping helps with her emotional and cognitive development. And to be honest, I do see a difference. I feel like I've heard somewhere that preemies in general are very irritable, anxious and rather insecure. But Alicia is none of those things. She's actually rather happy, mild-tempered and quite secure. And I do think that part of that is the bond that she gets when she sleeps with us.
So I really don't know. I mean part of me thinks, man it's a lot of work to have to rock her and hold her every night until she falls asleep. There are so many other things that I could be doing. But then the other part of me thinks, well, just suck it up. She's only going to be a baby once. And really, to who's benefit is it for her to "cry-it out?" So she stops crying after a few nights, but is that really because she's learned to self-soothe, or is it because she's learned that crying is of no use, and well, so why bother? I don't know. I mean, I just keep thinking, am i just being selfish and trying to let myself have an "easier" time?
Then there's the fear that we'll spoil her by rocking her to bed every night. But studies have actually shown that kids who co-sleep with their parents for even a brief amount of time, end up being more well-adjusted and more socially adept. And I mean I have also conducted my own non-scientific, non-professional observations. I have noticed that those kids who co-sleep with their parents tend to be more outgoing and less fearful and shy than those whose parents force them to learn to sleep on their own. Again, non-scientific, definitely not conclusive, and for sure there are exceptions to the rule. But for the most part the kids that I know that are more happy and less clingy are those that have done some amount of co-sleeping. I wonder.
Anyway... so, conclusion? I don't really have one. Only that Linda and I will continue to love on Alicia in the best way that we can. And that we will continue to pray for wisdom.
I believe eventually Alicia will outgrow the need to sleep with us. Hopefully she won't, as Linda said today, go straight from sleeping in our bed to sharing a bed with her husband. But, I think for now, we'll just stick with cuddling up with our little angel while she's still wanting to be with us, cause for sure, soon enough, she'll be all grown-up and out of the house and well, it'll probably be me who'll need some rocking and soothing the first night that happens.
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
Sunday, March 10, 2013
Time
What is time? Minutes, hours, days pass. Time continues to move forward. And yet, so often it feels like things continue to stay the same.
As I write this, it is almost midnight of March 10, which means that in a few minutes Alicia will be 18 months old adjusted (her age she would be if she had been born on her original due date). Our daughter would have been one year and six months old if she hadn't decided to come out early.
In the beginning, when I was still learning all about what it meant to be a parent of a preemie, I learned all about adjusted age vs. actual age. For a brief short hours, I had the naive fantasy that because she was born early that she would maybe somehow be ahead of the curve. She'd develop earlier than everyone, she'd learn how to walk, talk, etc... before everyone else. Well, it wasn't long before my metaphorical bubble was quickly blasted into tiny fragments of imagination. I learned from doctors and my own research that not only did her being a micro-preemie mean that she wouldn't be ahead of the developmental curve, but also, the truth is, the condition of her birth might cause her to be "delayed". I was disappointed.
Being someone who likes to be ahead of the curve, years ago, whenever I'd hear stories of my friend's children learning to walk at 8 months, or learning to talk before their first birthday, I used to think, someday, I want my child to do that. Ha. Well, as I've learned, things don't always work out the way you'd like.
While I was disappointed at first to hear the news, it's only recently that I've begun to feel the full brunt of the let-down.
I see my niece, Hope, who was originally due within weeks of Alicia, walking, running, picking things up, holding her own cup, feeding herself, and I can't help but think, wow, if Alicia were born "on time" she'd probably be doing those things.
But I comforted myself, and thought, it's OK, she's just a little behind, she'll catch up.
Then I see, Karis, one of Alicia's closest friends, she just turned one a couple of months ago. She's already started walking and toddling around, and I think, when will it be our turn?
It's gotten to the point where kids who are younger than Alicia are surpassing her in the developmental milestones, and I just keep thinking, when, God? When will she catch up?
And then there's her size and her weight. When I look at her just on her own, I think, she's great. She's growing, and wow, she's so much bigger than when we first brought her home. But then I look at other kids her age, and they're like twice her size. And today, I learn that Alicia's other friend, Joshua, who is 5 months old, is wearing the same size diaper as she is. I'm like... ARGH!
And the doubt starts creeping in. Am I not doing enough? What can I do to help her develop faster? She's only started babbling, and even then she just makes the one sound over and over. How much longer before I can hear her call me "Daddy"?
I feel like ever since Alicia's been born, it's been this constant waiting game. Most parents hear their child's cry within seconds of delivery, we had to wait months. Most kids get held within moments of being born. Alicia had to wait months. Most kids go home with Mom and Dad a few days after birth, we waited... yes, that's right, months.
In fact about the only thing we didn't have to wait for was to see her, because she came out early. But you know what, I could have waited. I really could have.
But there's no use playing this could have, would have game. She came out early, we can't change that. We just help her with what we can now.
And I know there are people that say, "What's the rush?" Let her crawl a bit longer. She'll talk when she's ready. I know all that. It's just as a parent, you can't help but wonder, is she OK? Will she really "catchup" as everyone says.
I'm sure that in a year from now, I'll look back on this and think, what was I so wound up about? She's fine! And I know she's OK.
I guess, I'm just tired of waiting. I want to hear my daughter call me Daddy. I would give anything to not have to think about her muscle tone being tight, and not having to wonder if she's using her left arm enough, or is she standing right, or why isn't she making more sounds?
Thing is, it's a huge lesson in NOT COMPARING. Right? I mean, yes there are "norms" for development but each child is different. Each child develops at his or her own pace. And barring some huge unforeseen circumstance she's got a good 90-100 years here on Earth ahead of her to walk, talk, dance, etc... So why am I in such a rush?
I think I just want to know that she's OK. I just want her to have a good life. I want her to have full function of her body. I don't want her to have any "problems".
But really? What can I do? Not too much. I can pray, and that's a huge deal. But beyond that, she's going to develop at her own pace.
And besides, she is doing so well. Alicia is such a happy, well-adjusted, secure child. She isn't overly emotional, and doesn't cry for no reason. She isn't afraid of strangers, and will readily share a smile with people she just met. She is so responsive when we talk with her and play with her, and seeing her face light up every time I walk in the door after work just fills my heart with so much joy.
So really, I just need to suck it up and trust God. Time is such a relative thing anyway, eh? What is "on time"? What is "late"? God is ALWAYS on time, and he will never be late.
Do I wish that he would do things on my time table? OF COURSE! But, he's God, he created Alicia, he brought her out when he did. I've got to trust that he's got her life in his hands. He has come through again and again with Alicia's life, so there's no reason to think that he's going to stop now.
So, Daddy. I just let go. Alicia is your daughter. You've entrusted her to our care, but ultimately, she's yours.
And I will just relish the milestones just that much more when we arrive. =D
As I write this, it is almost midnight of March 10, which means that in a few minutes Alicia will be 18 months old adjusted (her age she would be if she had been born on her original due date). Our daughter would have been one year and six months old if she hadn't decided to come out early.
In the beginning, when I was still learning all about what it meant to be a parent of a preemie, I learned all about adjusted age vs. actual age. For a brief short hours, I had the naive fantasy that because she was born early that she would maybe somehow be ahead of the curve. She'd develop earlier than everyone, she'd learn how to walk, talk, etc... before everyone else. Well, it wasn't long before my metaphorical bubble was quickly blasted into tiny fragments of imagination. I learned from doctors and my own research that not only did her being a micro-preemie mean that she wouldn't be ahead of the developmental curve, but also, the truth is, the condition of her birth might cause her to be "delayed". I was disappointed.
Being someone who likes to be ahead of the curve, years ago, whenever I'd hear stories of my friend's children learning to walk at 8 months, or learning to talk before their first birthday, I used to think, someday, I want my child to do that. Ha. Well, as I've learned, things don't always work out the way you'd like.
While I was disappointed at first to hear the news, it's only recently that I've begun to feel the full brunt of the let-down.
I see my niece, Hope, who was originally due within weeks of Alicia, walking, running, picking things up, holding her own cup, feeding herself, and I can't help but think, wow, if Alicia were born "on time" she'd probably be doing those things.
But I comforted myself, and thought, it's OK, she's just a little behind, she'll catch up.
Then I see, Karis, one of Alicia's closest friends, she just turned one a couple of months ago. She's already started walking and toddling around, and I think, when will it be our turn?
It's gotten to the point where kids who are younger than Alicia are surpassing her in the developmental milestones, and I just keep thinking, when, God? When will she catch up?
And then there's her size and her weight. When I look at her just on her own, I think, she's great. She's growing, and wow, she's so much bigger than when we first brought her home. But then I look at other kids her age, and they're like twice her size. And today, I learn that Alicia's other friend, Joshua, who is 5 months old, is wearing the same size diaper as she is. I'm like... ARGH!
And the doubt starts creeping in. Am I not doing enough? What can I do to help her develop faster? She's only started babbling, and even then she just makes the one sound over and over. How much longer before I can hear her call me "Daddy"?
I feel like ever since Alicia's been born, it's been this constant waiting game. Most parents hear their child's cry within seconds of delivery, we had to wait months. Most kids get held within moments of being born. Alicia had to wait months. Most kids go home with Mom and Dad a few days after birth, we waited... yes, that's right, months.
In fact about the only thing we didn't have to wait for was to see her, because she came out early. But you know what, I could have waited. I really could have.
But there's no use playing this could have, would have game. She came out early, we can't change that. We just help her with what we can now.
And I know there are people that say, "What's the rush?" Let her crawl a bit longer. She'll talk when she's ready. I know all that. It's just as a parent, you can't help but wonder, is she OK? Will she really "catchup" as everyone says.
I'm sure that in a year from now, I'll look back on this and think, what was I so wound up about? She's fine! And I know she's OK.
I guess, I'm just tired of waiting. I want to hear my daughter call me Daddy. I would give anything to not have to think about her muscle tone being tight, and not having to wonder if she's using her left arm enough, or is she standing right, or why isn't she making more sounds?
Thing is, it's a huge lesson in NOT COMPARING. Right? I mean, yes there are "norms" for development but each child is different. Each child develops at his or her own pace. And barring some huge unforeseen circumstance she's got a good 90-100 years here on Earth ahead of her to walk, talk, dance, etc... So why am I in such a rush?
I think I just want to know that she's OK. I just want her to have a good life. I want her to have full function of her body. I don't want her to have any "problems".
But really? What can I do? Not too much. I can pray, and that's a huge deal. But beyond that, she's going to develop at her own pace.
And besides, she is doing so well. Alicia is such a happy, well-adjusted, secure child. She isn't overly emotional, and doesn't cry for no reason. She isn't afraid of strangers, and will readily share a smile with people she just met. She is so responsive when we talk with her and play with her, and seeing her face light up every time I walk in the door after work just fills my heart with so much joy.
So really, I just need to suck it up and trust God. Time is such a relative thing anyway, eh? What is "on time"? What is "late"? God is ALWAYS on time, and he will never be late.
Do I wish that he would do things on my time table? OF COURSE! But, he's God, he created Alicia, he brought her out when he did. I've got to trust that he's got her life in his hands. He has come through again and again with Alicia's life, so there's no reason to think that he's going to stop now.
So, Daddy. I just let go. Alicia is your daughter. You've entrusted her to our care, but ultimately, she's yours.
And I will just relish the milestones just that much more when we arrive. =D
Monday, November 12, 2012
Torture
Those that know me, know that for the most part, I'm a pretty cheery fellow, known for bouts of mischief. However, I have also been told at various times over the years that I can be pretty intimidating. Something about my face when I'm in a bad mood, or am pensive makes me look fierce and threatening. Well, you should have seen me tonight.
So today was day 4 of our hospital incarceration. Yes. I said incarceration. For that is how it feels being stuck in our tiled 1970s style hospital room. As far as we can tell, the reason the doctors haven't released us is because over the past few days, Alicia's temperature hasn't been stable and she's had a few fevers.
Well, Linda and I have been making the most of our little staycation at the hospital, and I have to admit that I have been enjoying the extra family time and the fact that Alicia has been especially cuddly since she's been ill.
But I digress, back to me being fierce and threatening.
So, for some reason, Alicia really doesn't like having her diaper changed. And over the past few days, she's been especially fussy when we lay her down to change her diaper and she especially struggles when we try to change her clothes, which is made even more complicated by the fact that her right arm has been attached to an IV.
So tonight before bed, we decided that we could change Alicia's clothes so she could be more comfortable. But that involved getting the nurse to detach her IV which is a process in and of itself. Well, our dear Alicia struggled her way through the IV detachment, and then struggled through us undressing her and dressing her again, so much so that her IV needle got dislodged. Causing blood to go back into the IV, and also around the IV.
Since we are in the hospital for at least one more day, the nurse said that she would probably need to change the IV, since this one was no good anymore. But just to be sure she would confirm with the doctor.
So she left our room. Ten minutes later, no news from her. Twenty minutes later, thirty minutes later still no news. Meanwhile, Alicia, has this syringe attached to her IV needle, dangling from her hand, which when she's not trying to eat it, ends up accidentally shoving it into my neck. So we're like, OK, what's going on? So we page the nurses station, and the nurse tells us through the monitor that the doctor is coming to change the IV, but that she's busy at the moment, and will be with us shortly.
We wait for I don't even know how long, but a long time. By now it's almost 11:00 and I want to put Alicia to bed. So finally, I decide that I am going to carry Alicia out to the nurses station and let them see her darling face, and in the kindest way possible ask them to please ask the doctor to hurry her butt up.
Well, we get out there, and the nurse sees us and says, "Wow, how did you guys know that the doctor just came up. We were just about to come get you."
All right, great. Let's get the show on the road.
So the nurse and the doctor direct us to a side room with a small examination table, and asked us to lay Alicia down.
Alicia, as I mentioned before, is very aware. As soon as I layed her down on the table, she started to cry and writhe about, probably fearing the worst.
It took three of us, Linda, a nurse and myself to hold Alicia still while the doctor examined her hand trying to find a vein to insert the new IV into. Linda and I did our best to calm Alicia down by singing to her, and it seemed to work for a bit, but the doctor was just taking FOREVER. She couldn't find a vein.
Eventually, she asked the nurse to get a light so she could shine it into Alicia's hand and so she could find a vein. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, or a few minutes, depends on who's counting, the doctor found a vein that could possibly work.
Oh, you should have seen the thrashing that ensued. Oh, man. I thought giving Alicia medicine the sleep medicine was bad. Her crying and bucking only got worse as I watched with trepidation as the doctor gingerly inserted the needle into Alicia's hand. It was horrifying, Alicia cried out in pain and fought tooth and nail trying to get her arm free from the pain that I can only imagine she was experiencing. Finally, I saw the needle go in, and thinking the worse was over, I breathed slightly, only to notice that the doctor started to pull the needle out and then insert it again. In and out, in and out she went several times, all the while Alicia's crying her head off. Finally, I couldn't take it anymore when I could tell that the doctor was having trouble. I finally, said, "Can we please take a break? PLEASE!"
The doctor, seeing the strain in our eyes and knowing the stress that Alicia must have been going through, kindly agreed, and said, sure let's take a break.
I couldn't pick Alicia up and get out of that room soon enough. I was doing my best to calm Alicia down, while seething at what I viewed as complete incompetence on the part of the doctor. (For those of you in the medical field, you'll excuse my nasty comments at this point. I realize that the doctor is a very intelligent woman, and she's doing her best, but as a father, I am PISSED OFF.) I walked down the hall with Linda who at this point had taken Alicia into her arms to comfort her, and out of earshot of the doctor, I just started to mumble to Linda.
"Are you kidding me? What is she doing?! I mean, really? In and out and in and out with that needle. And don't you know that if you're working with an infant, that you cannot take your sweet time trying to find a vein?" I decided that if it was at all possible, that I would not let them do that to her again. So I went over to the doctor, and I asked her if we really, really needed to insert an IV? Couldn't we just use the old one?
She said that the old one was damaged, and therefore was no good, and that since we were going to be here for one more day, at least, that they needed to insert an IV for Alicia's sake. She also assured me that they had called another doctor who was more experienced to help with the insertion. So I relented, and said, all right, well, let's try again.
When Linda saw the new doctor she said, "Oh, this is the doctor who helped to take care of Alicia last year when she was in the Sick Baby Room. She's directly under our primary care pediatrician, so she's good." That put my heart at ease . . . until we got back into the examination room.
By now Alicia had calmed down and was nestling in my arms. But once again as soon as I lay her down on the table, she started crying. This time even harder than before, anticipating what was coming next. I literally had to hold Alicia down with force while once again the doctors searched for a vein. It was pure torture for both Alicia and for Linda and I. Finally she found a vein, and she inserted the needle, once again with lots of struggling and crying from Alicia. But as soon as she got the needle in, she shook her head, the vein had broken under the skin. No good. So out came the needle.
Linda at this point looked at the doctor and said half-jokingly, here, please take my arm, take my blood. I can't bare it anymore. The doctor looked at Linda and smiled with understanding.
They were going to try again, but I asked if I could please just hold Alicia and calm her down for a bit first. They agreed. So I took Alicia out of the room once again.
Once she was calm, we went back into the room to try again for the third time. The first two times, since Alicia's original IV was in her right hand, the doctors were trying to put the IV into her left hand, since they like to alternate hands. However, after seeing that her veins in her left hand were pretty thin, the new doctor decided to try to put it into her right hand again.
However, this would require the removal of the old IV. Oh, man, another battle, but thankfully, not as much as a struggle as the actual insertion of the IV.
Well, after the old IV was out, it was time to try to get a new IV in. And once again, the search for a usable vein began. Unable to find one in her hand, the doctor searched for one in her arm, finally they found a vein that could work, and so they began the prep work.
I'm sure I don't need to mention again that this whole time through the search, the prep, and everything that Linda, the nurse and I are doing the best we can to hold Alicia still, and to keep her from swinging her arms. Our little girl is a fighter, I tell you. She is STRONG. You should have seen the fight that she was putting up.
Seriously, I felt horrible willingly participate in the torture of my daughter. Well, finally the arm was prepped and the moment of truth was upon us. Before, she inserted the needle, I heard the doctor say, OK, this is the last try. So she inserted the needle, while I held my breath, and to my relief, I saw blood start to flow into the needle. She struck gold! Yahoo!
Wait, the doctor is shaking her head. Something's wrong. The vein burst again. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Now I know that it's in no way the doctor's fault. I'm sure that it was a combination of Alicia's delicate veins and also her thrashing about and using force that burst the vein. But my heart really sank. And I had it. I begged the doctors. I asked them if we could please, please not have to insert an IV.
They asked how she had been eating the past few days, and Linda and I were quick to say, she's been eating great. Really! And besides, her fever medicine and other meds have been administered orally, I reminded them.
After considering for a moment, the doctors were merciful, and said that we could just not insert an IV and see how she did tomorrow. I swept Alicia off of the table seething, and marched back to our room as quickly as I could.
I held Alicia in my arms, but she was still all wound up from the fight, and crying and crying. I felt angry, and sad, and really upset at what had just happened. Linda tried to take Alicia from me to comfort her, and I snapped and said, "I'm fine!" Sorry, honey. Linda just laughed and said, that she thinks her wanting to hold Alicia was more for her comfort than Alicia's. So I passed Alicia over to her, who calmed down right away. Linda really is Alicia's source of comfort for sure.
Alicia dug her head into her Mom's shoulder and just nuzzled her little face in for comfort. Every once in awhile, she'd peak up from her shoulder to see if I was still there, and I looked into her sad eyes feeling like my heart had been wrung out.
I was simmering with anger, and started pacing about trying to pack myself up to prepare to go home. All the while ranting and asking why in the world we were still in the hospital. I felt that what we had just gone through was completely unnecessary. Alicia really didn't seem that bad in my eyes. Why were we even there?
I mean in the end, I had to admit that with all that has happened, it is better for Alicia to be 100% better before we get discharged, but it was just hard!
As I said on Facebook, earlier, if I never have to see my child ever get pierced or pricked with a needle again it will be too soon.
Hoping that Linda and Alicia are resting peacefully now. Tomorrow is a new day. And I hope our LAST day in the hospital EVER!
So today was day 4 of our hospital incarceration. Yes. I said incarceration. For that is how it feels being stuck in our tiled 1970s style hospital room. As far as we can tell, the reason the doctors haven't released us is because over the past few days, Alicia's temperature hasn't been stable and she's had a few fevers.
Well, Linda and I have been making the most of our little staycation at the hospital, and I have to admit that I have been enjoying the extra family time and the fact that Alicia has been especially cuddly since she's been ill.
But I digress, back to me being fierce and threatening.
So, for some reason, Alicia really doesn't like having her diaper changed. And over the past few days, she's been especially fussy when we lay her down to change her diaper and she especially struggles when we try to change her clothes, which is made even more complicated by the fact that her right arm has been attached to an IV.
So tonight before bed, we decided that we could change Alicia's clothes so she could be more comfortable. But that involved getting the nurse to detach her IV which is a process in and of itself. Well, our dear Alicia struggled her way through the IV detachment, and then struggled through us undressing her and dressing her again, so much so that her IV needle got dislodged. Causing blood to go back into the IV, and also around the IV.
Since we are in the hospital for at least one more day, the nurse said that she would probably need to change the IV, since this one was no good anymore. But just to be sure she would confirm with the doctor.
So she left our room. Ten minutes later, no news from her. Twenty minutes later, thirty minutes later still no news. Meanwhile, Alicia, has this syringe attached to her IV needle, dangling from her hand, which when she's not trying to eat it, ends up accidentally shoving it into my neck. So we're like, OK, what's going on? So we page the nurses station, and the nurse tells us through the monitor that the doctor is coming to change the IV, but that she's busy at the moment, and will be with us shortly.
We wait for I don't even know how long, but a long time. By now it's almost 11:00 and I want to put Alicia to bed. So finally, I decide that I am going to carry Alicia out to the nurses station and let them see her darling face, and in the kindest way possible ask them to please ask the doctor to hurry her butt up.
Well, we get out there, and the nurse sees us and says, "Wow, how did you guys know that the doctor just came up. We were just about to come get you."
All right, great. Let's get the show on the road.
So the nurse and the doctor direct us to a side room with a small examination table, and asked us to lay Alicia down.
Alicia, as I mentioned before, is very aware. As soon as I layed her down on the table, she started to cry and writhe about, probably fearing the worst.
It took three of us, Linda, a nurse and myself to hold Alicia still while the doctor examined her hand trying to find a vein to insert the new IV into. Linda and I did our best to calm Alicia down by singing to her, and it seemed to work for a bit, but the doctor was just taking FOREVER. She couldn't find a vein.
Eventually, she asked the nurse to get a light so she could shine it into Alicia's hand and so she could find a vein. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, or a few minutes, depends on who's counting, the doctor found a vein that could possibly work.
Oh, you should have seen the thrashing that ensued. Oh, man. I thought giving Alicia medicine the sleep medicine was bad. Her crying and bucking only got worse as I watched with trepidation as the doctor gingerly inserted the needle into Alicia's hand. It was horrifying, Alicia cried out in pain and fought tooth and nail trying to get her arm free from the pain that I can only imagine she was experiencing. Finally, I saw the needle go in, and thinking the worse was over, I breathed slightly, only to notice that the doctor started to pull the needle out and then insert it again. In and out, in and out she went several times, all the while Alicia's crying her head off. Finally, I couldn't take it anymore when I could tell that the doctor was having trouble. I finally, said, "Can we please take a break? PLEASE!"
The doctor, seeing the strain in our eyes and knowing the stress that Alicia must have been going through, kindly agreed, and said, sure let's take a break.
I couldn't pick Alicia up and get out of that room soon enough. I was doing my best to calm Alicia down, while seething at what I viewed as complete incompetence on the part of the doctor. (For those of you in the medical field, you'll excuse my nasty comments at this point. I realize that the doctor is a very intelligent woman, and she's doing her best, but as a father, I am PISSED OFF.) I walked down the hall with Linda who at this point had taken Alicia into her arms to comfort her, and out of earshot of the doctor, I just started to mumble to Linda.
"Are you kidding me? What is she doing?! I mean, really? In and out and in and out with that needle. And don't you know that if you're working with an infant, that you cannot take your sweet time trying to find a vein?" I decided that if it was at all possible, that I would not let them do that to her again. So I went over to the doctor, and I asked her if we really, really needed to insert an IV? Couldn't we just use the old one?
She said that the old one was damaged, and therefore was no good, and that since we were going to be here for one more day, at least, that they needed to insert an IV for Alicia's sake. She also assured me that they had called another doctor who was more experienced to help with the insertion. So I relented, and said, all right, well, let's try again.
When Linda saw the new doctor she said, "Oh, this is the doctor who helped to take care of Alicia last year when she was in the Sick Baby Room. She's directly under our primary care pediatrician, so she's good." That put my heart at ease . . . until we got back into the examination room.
By now Alicia had calmed down and was nestling in my arms. But once again as soon as I lay her down on the table, she started crying. This time even harder than before, anticipating what was coming next. I literally had to hold Alicia down with force while once again the doctors searched for a vein. It was pure torture for both Alicia and for Linda and I. Finally she found a vein, and she inserted the needle, once again with lots of struggling and crying from Alicia. But as soon as she got the needle in, she shook her head, the vein had broken under the skin. No good. So out came the needle.
Linda at this point looked at the doctor and said half-jokingly, here, please take my arm, take my blood. I can't bare it anymore. The doctor looked at Linda and smiled with understanding.
They were going to try again, but I asked if I could please just hold Alicia and calm her down for a bit first. They agreed. So I took Alicia out of the room once again.
Once she was calm, we went back into the room to try again for the third time. The first two times, since Alicia's original IV was in her right hand, the doctors were trying to put the IV into her left hand, since they like to alternate hands. However, after seeing that her veins in her left hand were pretty thin, the new doctor decided to try to put it into her right hand again.
However, this would require the removal of the old IV. Oh, man, another battle, but thankfully, not as much as a struggle as the actual insertion of the IV.
Well, after the old IV was out, it was time to try to get a new IV in. And once again, the search for a usable vein began. Unable to find one in her hand, the doctor searched for one in her arm, finally they found a vein that could work, and so they began the prep work.
I'm sure I don't need to mention again that this whole time through the search, the prep, and everything that Linda, the nurse and I are doing the best we can to hold Alicia still, and to keep her from swinging her arms. Our little girl is a fighter, I tell you. She is STRONG. You should have seen the fight that she was putting up.
Seriously, I felt horrible willingly participate in the torture of my daughter. Well, finally the arm was prepped and the moment of truth was upon us. Before, she inserted the needle, I heard the doctor say, OK, this is the last try. So she inserted the needle, while I held my breath, and to my relief, I saw blood start to flow into the needle. She struck gold! Yahoo!
Wait, the doctor is shaking her head. Something's wrong. The vein burst again. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Now I know that it's in no way the doctor's fault. I'm sure that it was a combination of Alicia's delicate veins and also her thrashing about and using force that burst the vein. But my heart really sank. And I had it. I begged the doctors. I asked them if we could please, please not have to insert an IV.
They asked how she had been eating the past few days, and Linda and I were quick to say, she's been eating great. Really! And besides, her fever medicine and other meds have been administered orally, I reminded them.
After considering for a moment, the doctors were merciful, and said that we could just not insert an IV and see how she did tomorrow. I swept Alicia off of the table seething, and marched back to our room as quickly as I could.
I held Alicia in my arms, but she was still all wound up from the fight, and crying and crying. I felt angry, and sad, and really upset at what had just happened. Linda tried to take Alicia from me to comfort her, and I snapped and said, "I'm fine!" Sorry, honey. Linda just laughed and said, that she thinks her wanting to hold Alicia was more for her comfort than Alicia's. So I passed Alicia over to her, who calmed down right away. Linda really is Alicia's source of comfort for sure.
Alicia dug her head into her Mom's shoulder and just nuzzled her little face in for comfort. Every once in awhile, she'd peak up from her shoulder to see if I was still there, and I looked into her sad eyes feeling like my heart had been wrung out.
I was simmering with anger, and started pacing about trying to pack myself up to prepare to go home. All the while ranting and asking why in the world we were still in the hospital. I felt that what we had just gone through was completely unnecessary. Alicia really didn't seem that bad in my eyes. Why were we even there?
I mean in the end, I had to admit that with all that has happened, it is better for Alicia to be 100% better before we get discharged, but it was just hard!
As I said on Facebook, earlier, if I never have to see my child ever get pierced or pricked with a needle again it will be too soon.
Hoping that Linda and Alicia are resting peacefully now. Tomorrow is a new day. And I hope our LAST day in the hospital EVER!
Sunday, November 11, 2012
72 hours continued
OK... so here we go part 2 of the epic story. =D Don't you love my dramatic flair?
First, to answer the question that I'm sure many of you have on your minds? Is it Meningitis? ... Thankfully, no!
Here's how we got to that conclusion.
So last I left off, we all went to sleep exhausted after a long day of hospital visits.
The next morning, we all woke up after not really resting solidly throughout the night. The doctor came in to check in on Alicia around 9:00 and told us that he wants to schedule Alicia for a brain scan later that morning in order to rule out any abnormalities in brain function. This scan would be different from the sonogram in that it would measure brain waves and not just show a picture of her brain.
Also, knowing that the ophthalmologist had some concerns over Alicia's eyes, he also ordered a test done that would measure on a neurological level how well her eyes were transmitting signals to her visual receptors. Both tests would be done that day.
Now, what you just read, I hope seemed pretty coherent. Very different from my state when the doctor was talking to me. When the doctor, spoke I did NOT get all that information at all. All I knew was that she was going to get some sort of test done sometime during the day. In fact, I find that a lot of times when doctors speak, it's only in processing back the information that I really understand everything that they were saying to me.
Anyway, so back to the tests. Both of these tests involved putting Alicia to sleep, so about half an hour after the doctor left, a nurse came in and gave us a dosage of sleep medicine to give to Alicia orally. Simple enough, right? NOT.
This medicine apparently is really bitter and kids really dislike the taste of it. Linda has had a lot of experience with this medicine, since she had to on two prior occasions give Alicia the same medicine to put her to sleep for a couple of auditory tests done earlier in the year. Knowing Alicia's reaction to taking this medicine, it was with dread that we faced the task of feeding it to her.
Knowing that the medicine was really horrid tasting and that Alicia wouldn't like it, we asked the nurses if they had any kind of syrup or sugar to help the medicine go down. (Anyone humming Mary Poppins?) The nurse matter of factly told us no, they didn't, as if it wasn't their concern how we got the medicine down Alicia's throat.
Well, we took a deep breath, and decided to try our best. Oh, man, you should have seen Alicia's reaction as soon as she saw the medicine. We could barely get a drop in, so I told Linda to go downstairs to a coffee shop or somewhere to see if we could get some syrup. So she left, and I sat there with Alicia trying to figure out how to get this medicine into her.
That's when the nurse came in. She saw me struggling and asked me where Mom was. And I said she went to get some sugar. The nurse looked at me and said, "There's not enough time. The test is at 10:30 and it was already 10:00. We need her sound asleep for the test. Give me the medicine, I'll help you."
Oh, man, what happened next was a scene straight out of a horror movie. You should have seen Alicia kicking and screaming and thrashing about as I held her head and body still as the nurse dropped the medicine down her throat. Wow. You would have thought we were burning her alive, the way that Alicia was reacting. I felt like a horrible man for willingly participating in the "torture" of my daughter.
Well, as soon as we got the medicine down, in comes Linda with the syrup. Too late honey.
We thought we would maybe give Alicia some of the sugar to wash the taste out of her mouth. She would have none of it. We ended up dropping most of the sugar on our bed and just giving up on the endeavor.
Eventually, Alicia fell asleep in my arms, and it was time for us to bring her down for the test.
Oh, man. Another battle. Alicia is a very sensitive girl and quite aware of her surroundings. We brought her into the testing room, and as soon as we layed her down on the bed, she would awake and start crying. So we picked her up to calm her down and get her back to sleep. As soon as she was asleep, we would try again. Again, as soon as her body hit the bed, she had another crying fit.
The technician felt bad for Alicia, since her eyes were getting all red and swollen from all the crying, so she said, maybe we should just take Alicia back to our room, keep her awake, and then later on in the afternoon, we could bring her back when she was more sleepy.
So we picked Alicia up, pushed her IV stand and started walking back to our room. Half way back to our room, we realized that the medicine was really taking effect, and that no matter what we did, Alicia would NOT wake up, so we decided to go back and see if we could try again.
The technician was gracious and allowed us into the room again. Thinking she was fast asleep, we started to lay Alicia down, but once again, she woke up crying. Linda decided to see if her mother's touch could calm Alicia down enough to let her sleep. So she picked her up, rocked her back to sleep, and tried to lay her down. Again, to no avail.
Eventually, what we ended up doing was Linda rocked Alicia to sleep, and then as soon as she was asleep, Linda climbed onto the bed, and lay her down, and then lay on top of her until Alicia calmed down enough to fall asleep. Thankfully, after 30 min of battling with her, Alicia finally fell asleep enough to get the sensors on her head, and finish the test.
Forty-five minutes later, we were back in our room, and Alicia was out like a light on her bed.
We got to rest for a couple of hours, and then we were informed that it was time for Alicia's second test.
I won't go into all the details of the second test, but suffice it to say, we went through the whole ordeal again. At first, we thought we didn't need to give her another dose of the medicine, but as soon as we laid Alicia down on the bed, she woke up and this time she became wide awake. So we had to go through the process of feeding her the medicine, rocking her to sleep and then gingerly putting her down only to have her wake up again.
This time, we decided that when we put her down, we would just let her cry herself to sleep, which thankfully she did. At which point, Linda and I left the room and let the technician do her thing.
This time the test took about 20 minutes, and we were back in our room.
A few hours later, Alicia's doctor who is a specialist in pediatric brain development and neurology came and gave us the results of her test. He told us that there was nothing too abnormal with Alicia's brain function. Praise God. He said of course, because of the brain damage she suffered when she was born, her right brain was not firing at the same rate as her left brain. But he said that was to be expected. And at this point he said it wasn't anything too big to be concerned about.
He said that since all tests came back normal, his diagnosis was that Alicia had the spasms most likely due to the fever. He said that the first 72 hours after an instance of seizure is critical so he wanted us to say in the hospital to monitor Alicia's fever, and also to see if she would have another episode.
As for the eye exam, he explained to us that the test measured how quickly it would take for a signal to go from the eyes to the visual receptors in the back of the brain. He said that for Alicia her results were a few milliseconds off from normal, but that as she grew older this would be barely noticeable, and again nothing he's too concerned about right now.
So thankfully, our Alicia is doing well.
The past few days have been just a lot of resting and sleeping for her, and a lot of us fighting to get medicine down her throat.
But overall it's been a great time of rest, and for the family to be together. Definitely a lot of cuddle time for me and baby girl, which I am enjoying, despite the soreness and crampiness I get in my body after lying in bed for hours at a time.
Praying that Alicia can quickly get this virus out of her body, so that we can all go home and get some proper rest.
Pray with us that Alicia can get well quickly, and that she can go back to being her smiley cheerful self again soon.
First, to answer the question that I'm sure many of you have on your minds? Is it Meningitis? ... Thankfully, no!
Here's how we got to that conclusion.
So last I left off, we all went to sleep exhausted after a long day of hospital visits.
The next morning, we all woke up after not really resting solidly throughout the night. The doctor came in to check in on Alicia around 9:00 and told us that he wants to schedule Alicia for a brain scan later that morning in order to rule out any abnormalities in brain function. This scan would be different from the sonogram in that it would measure brain waves and not just show a picture of her brain.
Also, knowing that the ophthalmologist had some concerns over Alicia's eyes, he also ordered a test done that would measure on a neurological level how well her eyes were transmitting signals to her visual receptors. Both tests would be done that day.
Now, what you just read, I hope seemed pretty coherent. Very different from my state when the doctor was talking to me. When the doctor, spoke I did NOT get all that information at all. All I knew was that she was going to get some sort of test done sometime during the day. In fact, I find that a lot of times when doctors speak, it's only in processing back the information that I really understand everything that they were saying to me.
Anyway, so back to the tests. Both of these tests involved putting Alicia to sleep, so about half an hour after the doctor left, a nurse came in and gave us a dosage of sleep medicine to give to Alicia orally. Simple enough, right? NOT.
This medicine apparently is really bitter and kids really dislike the taste of it. Linda has had a lot of experience with this medicine, since she had to on two prior occasions give Alicia the same medicine to put her to sleep for a couple of auditory tests done earlier in the year. Knowing Alicia's reaction to taking this medicine, it was with dread that we faced the task of feeding it to her.
Knowing that the medicine was really horrid tasting and that Alicia wouldn't like it, we asked the nurses if they had any kind of syrup or sugar to help the medicine go down. (Anyone humming Mary Poppins?) The nurse matter of factly told us no, they didn't, as if it wasn't their concern how we got the medicine down Alicia's throat.
Well, we took a deep breath, and decided to try our best. Oh, man, you should have seen Alicia's reaction as soon as she saw the medicine. We could barely get a drop in, so I told Linda to go downstairs to a coffee shop or somewhere to see if we could get some syrup. So she left, and I sat there with Alicia trying to figure out how to get this medicine into her.
That's when the nurse came in. She saw me struggling and asked me where Mom was. And I said she went to get some sugar. The nurse looked at me and said, "There's not enough time. The test is at 10:30 and it was already 10:00. We need her sound asleep for the test. Give me the medicine, I'll help you."
Oh, man, what happened next was a scene straight out of a horror movie. You should have seen Alicia kicking and screaming and thrashing about as I held her head and body still as the nurse dropped the medicine down her throat. Wow. You would have thought we were burning her alive, the way that Alicia was reacting. I felt like a horrible man for willingly participating in the "torture" of my daughter.
Well, as soon as we got the medicine down, in comes Linda with the syrup. Too late honey.
We thought we would maybe give Alicia some of the sugar to wash the taste out of her mouth. She would have none of it. We ended up dropping most of the sugar on our bed and just giving up on the endeavor.
Eventually, Alicia fell asleep in my arms, and it was time for us to bring her down for the test.
Oh, man. Another battle. Alicia is a very sensitive girl and quite aware of her surroundings. We brought her into the testing room, and as soon as we layed her down on the bed, she would awake and start crying. So we picked her up to calm her down and get her back to sleep. As soon as she was asleep, we would try again. Again, as soon as her body hit the bed, she had another crying fit.
The technician felt bad for Alicia, since her eyes were getting all red and swollen from all the crying, so she said, maybe we should just take Alicia back to our room, keep her awake, and then later on in the afternoon, we could bring her back when she was more sleepy.
So we picked Alicia up, pushed her IV stand and started walking back to our room. Half way back to our room, we realized that the medicine was really taking effect, and that no matter what we did, Alicia would NOT wake up, so we decided to go back and see if we could try again.
The technician was gracious and allowed us into the room again. Thinking she was fast asleep, we started to lay Alicia down, but once again, she woke up crying. Linda decided to see if her mother's touch could calm Alicia down enough to let her sleep. So she picked her up, rocked her back to sleep, and tried to lay her down. Again, to no avail.
Eventually, what we ended up doing was Linda rocked Alicia to sleep, and then as soon as she was asleep, Linda climbed onto the bed, and lay her down, and then lay on top of her until Alicia calmed down enough to fall asleep. Thankfully, after 30 min of battling with her, Alicia finally fell asleep enough to get the sensors on her head, and finish the test.
Forty-five minutes later, we were back in our room, and Alicia was out like a light on her bed.
We got to rest for a couple of hours, and then we were informed that it was time for Alicia's second test.
I won't go into all the details of the second test, but suffice it to say, we went through the whole ordeal again. At first, we thought we didn't need to give her another dose of the medicine, but as soon as we laid Alicia down on the bed, she woke up and this time she became wide awake. So we had to go through the process of feeding her the medicine, rocking her to sleep and then gingerly putting her down only to have her wake up again.
This time, we decided that when we put her down, we would just let her cry herself to sleep, which thankfully she did. At which point, Linda and I left the room and let the technician do her thing.
This time the test took about 20 minutes, and we were back in our room.
A few hours later, Alicia's doctor who is a specialist in pediatric brain development and neurology came and gave us the results of her test. He told us that there was nothing too abnormal with Alicia's brain function. Praise God. He said of course, because of the brain damage she suffered when she was born, her right brain was not firing at the same rate as her left brain. But he said that was to be expected. And at this point he said it wasn't anything too big to be concerned about.
He said that since all tests came back normal, his diagnosis was that Alicia had the spasms most likely due to the fever. He said that the first 72 hours after an instance of seizure is critical so he wanted us to say in the hospital to monitor Alicia's fever, and also to see if she would have another episode.
As for the eye exam, he explained to us that the test measured how quickly it would take for a signal to go from the eyes to the visual receptors in the back of the brain. He said that for Alicia her results were a few milliseconds off from normal, but that as she grew older this would be barely noticeable, and again nothing he's too concerned about right now.
So thankfully, our Alicia is doing well.
The past few days have been just a lot of resting and sleeping for her, and a lot of us fighting to get medicine down her throat.
But overall it's been a great time of rest, and for the family to be together. Definitely a lot of cuddle time for me and baby girl, which I am enjoying, despite the soreness and crampiness I get in my body after lying in bed for hours at a time.
Praying that Alicia can quickly get this virus out of her body, so that we can all go home and get some proper rest.
Pray with us that Alicia can get well quickly, and that she can go back to being her smiley cheerful self again soon.
Saturday, November 10, 2012
72 hours
It has been quite an eventful 72 hours in the Chang family. (I warn
you ahead of time that this post might be a little on the long side, so
take it in stride.)
It started Wednesday, when we noticed that Alicia was a bit fussier than normal. She wouldn't eat, wouldn't sleep and wouldn't let Linda put her down. At first we thought maybe she was just teething and therefore wasn't feeling well. But by that evening, right before we put her to bed, we realized that she was hotter than usual, and after taking her temperature, we discovered that she had developed a fever.
Somewhere along the line we had heard that belief that kids develop fevers when they're teething, so we thought maybe the fever was just a result of the new teeth coming in. (We found out later that kids do not get fevers when teeth come in.) So we went to bed.
In the morning, Alicia's temperature had gone down, so we thought we were in the clear. We went through our regular morning routine. I went to work, Linda stayed home and took care of Alicia. Around noon, Linda brought Alicia to the office to meet me for lunch, and that was the start of what would be the craziest two days we've had in a long time.
During lunch we noticed that Alicia really had no appetite, and she was more lethargic than usual. We thought maybe again, that she was just not feeling well because of her teeth. So we just let her nap while we ate lunch. After lunch, Linda needed to run an errand, so I took Alicia back with me to the office. While sitting at my desk, Alicia nestled into my chest and just kind of laid there, which is quite unusual for our little ball of energy. Usually when sitting with me, she's pushing herself away from me, trying to get a peak at what Daddy's doing on the computer, or trying to grab something on my desk. But not this time. This time she kind of just laid there in a stupor.
Suddenly, Alicia awoke with a start and started coughing and dry-heaving. Knowing what was coming next, I grabbed the garbage can and positioned her head over it. Thankfully, nothing came out, and she just settled back into my chest. A few minutes later, however, she did it again, this time, she did actually throw up, what I can only guess was her breakfast, since she hadn't eaten anything at lunch.
At that point, I noticed Linda had texted asking me how things were going, and I told her about what had just happened, and so said she was coming back right away.
As soon as Linda got back to the office, we packed our stuff, I shut down my computer, took care of some last minute office business, and we rushed off to the hospital with one of my co-workers who has been sort of a God-mother to Alicia over the past few months.
My co-worker has a son who had several medical conditions when he was younger, so she was on pretty familiar terms with the pediatricians at the hospital that Alicia frequents. This came in real handy when we realized that the pediatrician with clinic hours at that moment was booked solid and without connections there was no way we were going to be able to get in to see him.
Well, when we got to the hospital, we went straight up to the doctor's office, my co-worker walked right into the office and greeted the doctor, got a pass, giving us permission to get an appointment with him, and booked an appointment to see him that afternoon. Praise God.
After waiting for a few minutes, while he finished up with a patient, we finally went in to see the doctor. We explained her symptoms and after examining her ear, nose and throat, she said that she probably had a slight case of an infection. Nothing to worry about. He prescribed some fever medicine in case she started to burn up again. But said that she should be fine.
We took the opportunity to ask him to look over some of the results of a head sonogram that Alicia had gotten about a month ago. He looked at the scans and said that the PVL (brain trauma) she sustained at birth, was still there, but it looked like it hadn't gotten bigger, so again nothing to worry about. It meant that we would need to be more wary of her motor skills on the left side of her body, and help her to practice those movements as much as possible. But overall, he said nothing to be concerned about, that in time, she would be OK. And he sent us home.
On the way home, as I was holding her, I noticed that her left hand and arm was twitching. Every second or so, her hand would squeeze and her arm would jerk. At first, I thought maybe it was a side effect of being hungry and not eating all day, cause I noticed that she had also been shivering earlier in the day. We got her home, and Linda told me to give her a bath to wash off any germs or bacteria that may have gotten on her from the hospital.
While giving her the bath, I noticed her arm continued to twitch despite me having given her a cracker prior to putting her into the bathtub. So after the bath, while dressing her, I pointed out the twitch to Linda. When Linda saw the twitch she thought it was pretty weird too. So we started praying. I know some of you don't believe in the whole spiritual warfare thing, but I just had a sense that something was off in the spiritual realm, so I just declared the blood of Jesus over my daughter, and I took authority as her father over her body, and cast out any spirits that were not of God in the name of Jesus. After a few minutes of prayer, her arm stopped twitching.
But then we noticed that Alicia wouldn't look at us when we called out to her. She kept looking over to her left side, and I noticed that her eyes were rolling into her sockets to the point where her right pupil nearly disappeared behind her nose. I went into serious prayer time at that point. And eventually she came out of it.
Still not sure what that was, Linda called my co-worker who had helped us earlier, who called the hospital and talked directly to our doctor, who told us to go right back to the hospital for him to check her out.
So back into the cab we went, and back to the hospital for a second time that day. When we got there, we waited a few minutes, and the doctor admitted us, and examined Alicia. At that point she had returned to normal, so he asked us how long she was twitching for, and said that she had probably had a local seizure. He said the cause of the spasms could be multiple reasons. It could be that because she had a fever, that the fever triggered some misfiring in her brain. Or, he said it could be that some nerves finally connected from her brain to her arm, and so it was now sending new signals causing her to twitch. In any case, he prescribed her some epileptic medicine, which was kind of freaky when we saw that being typed onto the computer. Also, he told us to schedule a brain scan. He told us that unless she had another episode, that we were not to give her the medicine until after the scan, because it would affect the results.
So again, we collected our medicine and went back home. Back home, we tried to settle in a bit. Linda went out to get dinner for us, while I stayed home and took care of Alicia. Again she was pretty much just lethargic and laid in my arms without moving too much. Thinking that she was probably hungry, I tried to feed her a bit of food, at which point she promptly threw up. After throwing up, she went back to lying in my arms and fell asleep. When Linda got home, I put Alicia down on the couch to sleep, so I could eat. Over dinner, I told Linda about Alicia throwing up, and she naturally was a bit worried and wanted to go back to the hospital. Being American, and also, having been to the hospital twice that day already, I tried to dissuade her. And Linda agreed to just observe her for a bit longer.
Linda, being the loving mother she is, was feeling really anxious about Alicia and her condition. She really wondered whether we needed to go back to the hospital, and was really worried about whether Alicia would be OK. I could tell that she was really just sad and nervous about Alicia's condition. Alicia hadn't really smiled in the few hours since lunch, and Linda said something that I think captures what she was thinking at that time, pretty well. Linda said, "What if we never see her smile and laugh again?"
For some reason, I at that point just felt convinced that Alicia was going to be OK. And Linda asked me if I was scared, and I said, no. Alicia was going to be fine. We as the children of God have authority over sickness, so we needn't worry. We had a God, a Heavenly Father who was in full control, so we didn't need to be anxious. And besides, being anxious wouldn't fix anything. Linda listened and took it in, but still I could tell she wasn't completely at ease.
I mentioned that I hadn't given Alicia any water after she threw up, so we decided to wake her up so we could give her some juice. She seemed OK after the juice, but after a few minutes she threw up again. At which point Linda decided we really needed some people praying for us, so she called some friends. And I could hear her sobbing outside with weariness and concern.
About a half an hour after the juice, we tried to give Alicia some milk, thinking that she was probably hungry. Again... throw up. This time Linda was convinced we needed to go back to the hospital, so she called our friend again to see what she should do. My co-worker told her just to wait a bit and see what would happen. If Alicia threw up again, then we should go straight to the emergency room.
After hanging up with her, Alicia did in fact give one last heave-ho, so Linda promptly went to our room, packed a suitcase, we called the cab and off we went for our third trip to the hospital in less than 12 hours. While waiting for the cab to arrive at our house, I noticed a change in Linda's demeanor. She became strong and confident. It was almost as if, once we decided we were going to go back to the hospital, God's courage and strength surged into her, and she started taking charge. Which was actually good, because after Alicia's last upsurge, I felt myself just depleted. I was just emotionally drained and was on the verge of tears.
Again, I couldn't help but marvel at God's blessing in allowing us to be on a see-saw and not both be down at the same time.
When we got to the emergency room, we had to wait in line to register Alicia. Finally, we got admitted and got sent to the pediatric section of the ER. We explained to the doctor what had happened that day, with the fever and also the spasms and we asked if we could be admitted. He looked Alicia over and said, sure. He promptly called and got us a room. Reading her reports from that day, he said that she probably just had a virus of some sort, and told us to give her some of the fever medicine that her pediatrician had prescribed earlier. While talking to him I noticed that Alicia's arm was going off again.
At first, I thought maybe Alicia was just moving her arms like she does when she's trying to dissuade someone from touching her, but I noticed that it was twitching in the same way it was earlier. Since our pediatrician hadn't seen Alicia when she was twitching earlier, I asked the ER doctor if this was considered a spasms/seizure since I wasn't sure if I was just maybe misreading or imagining things earlier. He said that if we held her arm, and it stopped then it didn't count as a spasms.
But when he told hold of her arm, she continued to twitch, so he said, yes. These were definitely spasms, so he told us to give her the medicine that our pediatrician had prescribed. Then he told us to go over to the side and wait, so they could get a blood sample, and insert an IV into Alicia and wait for them to get our room ready. While getting her IV inserted, I noticed that Alicia was once again looking to her left and her eyes did the rolling into her socket thing again, so I know that I hadn't been seeing things earlier. But just as soon as it started, it stopped and Alicia calmed down.
While we were waiting for our room, the ER doctor came over and talked to us some more. He said that judging by the fever and the spasms, one possibility was that she had a case of meningitis. What's that you ask? Well, we had to ask the same question. It's basically, a bacterial infection of the membranes covering the brain. Sounds scary, right? Yeah. Well, he said they needed to run some tests, but seeing her symptoms, it was a possibility.
Of course, I at that point promptly whipped out my cellphone and started researching meningitis. At which point a nurse came and took us up to our room.
We finally got settled into our room, and laid down to get some much needed rest after a long and harrowing day. Little did we know that the next day would be even more tiring.
Since this is getting long, I'll end this story here. And pick it up tomorrow. =D
To be continued . . .
It started Wednesday, when we noticed that Alicia was a bit fussier than normal. She wouldn't eat, wouldn't sleep and wouldn't let Linda put her down. At first we thought maybe she was just teething and therefore wasn't feeling well. But by that evening, right before we put her to bed, we realized that she was hotter than usual, and after taking her temperature, we discovered that she had developed a fever.
Somewhere along the line we had heard that belief that kids develop fevers when they're teething, so we thought maybe the fever was just a result of the new teeth coming in. (We found out later that kids do not get fevers when teeth come in.) So we went to bed.
In the morning, Alicia's temperature had gone down, so we thought we were in the clear. We went through our regular morning routine. I went to work, Linda stayed home and took care of Alicia. Around noon, Linda brought Alicia to the office to meet me for lunch, and that was the start of what would be the craziest two days we've had in a long time.
During lunch we noticed that Alicia really had no appetite, and she was more lethargic than usual. We thought maybe again, that she was just not feeling well because of her teeth. So we just let her nap while we ate lunch. After lunch, Linda needed to run an errand, so I took Alicia back with me to the office. While sitting at my desk, Alicia nestled into my chest and just kind of laid there, which is quite unusual for our little ball of energy. Usually when sitting with me, she's pushing herself away from me, trying to get a peak at what Daddy's doing on the computer, or trying to grab something on my desk. But not this time. This time she kind of just laid there in a stupor.
Suddenly, Alicia awoke with a start and started coughing and dry-heaving. Knowing what was coming next, I grabbed the garbage can and positioned her head over it. Thankfully, nothing came out, and she just settled back into my chest. A few minutes later, however, she did it again, this time, she did actually throw up, what I can only guess was her breakfast, since she hadn't eaten anything at lunch.
At that point, I noticed Linda had texted asking me how things were going, and I told her about what had just happened, and so said she was coming back right away.
As soon as Linda got back to the office, we packed our stuff, I shut down my computer, took care of some last minute office business, and we rushed off to the hospital with one of my co-workers who has been sort of a God-mother to Alicia over the past few months.
My co-worker has a son who had several medical conditions when he was younger, so she was on pretty familiar terms with the pediatricians at the hospital that Alicia frequents. This came in real handy when we realized that the pediatrician with clinic hours at that moment was booked solid and without connections there was no way we were going to be able to get in to see him.
Well, when we got to the hospital, we went straight up to the doctor's office, my co-worker walked right into the office and greeted the doctor, got a pass, giving us permission to get an appointment with him, and booked an appointment to see him that afternoon. Praise God.
After waiting for a few minutes, while he finished up with a patient, we finally went in to see the doctor. We explained her symptoms and after examining her ear, nose and throat, she said that she probably had a slight case of an infection. Nothing to worry about. He prescribed some fever medicine in case she started to burn up again. But said that she should be fine.
We took the opportunity to ask him to look over some of the results of a head sonogram that Alicia had gotten about a month ago. He looked at the scans and said that the PVL (brain trauma) she sustained at birth, was still there, but it looked like it hadn't gotten bigger, so again nothing to worry about. It meant that we would need to be more wary of her motor skills on the left side of her body, and help her to practice those movements as much as possible. But overall, he said nothing to be concerned about, that in time, she would be OK. And he sent us home.
On the way home, as I was holding her, I noticed that her left hand and arm was twitching. Every second or so, her hand would squeeze and her arm would jerk. At first, I thought maybe it was a side effect of being hungry and not eating all day, cause I noticed that she had also been shivering earlier in the day. We got her home, and Linda told me to give her a bath to wash off any germs or bacteria that may have gotten on her from the hospital.
While giving her the bath, I noticed her arm continued to twitch despite me having given her a cracker prior to putting her into the bathtub. So after the bath, while dressing her, I pointed out the twitch to Linda. When Linda saw the twitch she thought it was pretty weird too. So we started praying. I know some of you don't believe in the whole spiritual warfare thing, but I just had a sense that something was off in the spiritual realm, so I just declared the blood of Jesus over my daughter, and I took authority as her father over her body, and cast out any spirits that were not of God in the name of Jesus. After a few minutes of prayer, her arm stopped twitching.
But then we noticed that Alicia wouldn't look at us when we called out to her. She kept looking over to her left side, and I noticed that her eyes were rolling into her sockets to the point where her right pupil nearly disappeared behind her nose. I went into serious prayer time at that point. And eventually she came out of it.
Still not sure what that was, Linda called my co-worker who had helped us earlier, who called the hospital and talked directly to our doctor, who told us to go right back to the hospital for him to check her out.
So back into the cab we went, and back to the hospital for a second time that day. When we got there, we waited a few minutes, and the doctor admitted us, and examined Alicia. At that point she had returned to normal, so he asked us how long she was twitching for, and said that she had probably had a local seizure. He said the cause of the spasms could be multiple reasons. It could be that because she had a fever, that the fever triggered some misfiring in her brain. Or, he said it could be that some nerves finally connected from her brain to her arm, and so it was now sending new signals causing her to twitch. In any case, he prescribed her some epileptic medicine, which was kind of freaky when we saw that being typed onto the computer. Also, he told us to schedule a brain scan. He told us that unless she had another episode, that we were not to give her the medicine until after the scan, because it would affect the results.
So again, we collected our medicine and went back home. Back home, we tried to settle in a bit. Linda went out to get dinner for us, while I stayed home and took care of Alicia. Again she was pretty much just lethargic and laid in my arms without moving too much. Thinking that she was probably hungry, I tried to feed her a bit of food, at which point she promptly threw up. After throwing up, she went back to lying in my arms and fell asleep. When Linda got home, I put Alicia down on the couch to sleep, so I could eat. Over dinner, I told Linda about Alicia throwing up, and she naturally was a bit worried and wanted to go back to the hospital. Being American, and also, having been to the hospital twice that day already, I tried to dissuade her. And Linda agreed to just observe her for a bit longer.
Linda, being the loving mother she is, was feeling really anxious about Alicia and her condition. She really wondered whether we needed to go back to the hospital, and was really worried about whether Alicia would be OK. I could tell that she was really just sad and nervous about Alicia's condition. Alicia hadn't really smiled in the few hours since lunch, and Linda said something that I think captures what she was thinking at that time, pretty well. Linda said, "What if we never see her smile and laugh again?"
For some reason, I at that point just felt convinced that Alicia was going to be OK. And Linda asked me if I was scared, and I said, no. Alicia was going to be fine. We as the children of God have authority over sickness, so we needn't worry. We had a God, a Heavenly Father who was in full control, so we didn't need to be anxious. And besides, being anxious wouldn't fix anything. Linda listened and took it in, but still I could tell she wasn't completely at ease.
I mentioned that I hadn't given Alicia any water after she threw up, so we decided to wake her up so we could give her some juice. She seemed OK after the juice, but after a few minutes she threw up again. At which point Linda decided we really needed some people praying for us, so she called some friends. And I could hear her sobbing outside with weariness and concern.
About a half an hour after the juice, we tried to give Alicia some milk, thinking that she was probably hungry. Again... throw up. This time Linda was convinced we needed to go back to the hospital, so she called our friend again to see what she should do. My co-worker told her just to wait a bit and see what would happen. If Alicia threw up again, then we should go straight to the emergency room.
After hanging up with her, Alicia did in fact give one last heave-ho, so Linda promptly went to our room, packed a suitcase, we called the cab and off we went for our third trip to the hospital in less than 12 hours. While waiting for the cab to arrive at our house, I noticed a change in Linda's demeanor. She became strong and confident. It was almost as if, once we decided we were going to go back to the hospital, God's courage and strength surged into her, and she started taking charge. Which was actually good, because after Alicia's last upsurge, I felt myself just depleted. I was just emotionally drained and was on the verge of tears.
Again, I couldn't help but marvel at God's blessing in allowing us to be on a see-saw and not both be down at the same time.
When we got to the emergency room, we had to wait in line to register Alicia. Finally, we got admitted and got sent to the pediatric section of the ER. We explained to the doctor what had happened that day, with the fever and also the spasms and we asked if we could be admitted. He looked Alicia over and said, sure. He promptly called and got us a room. Reading her reports from that day, he said that she probably just had a virus of some sort, and told us to give her some of the fever medicine that her pediatrician had prescribed earlier. While talking to him I noticed that Alicia's arm was going off again.
At first, I thought maybe Alicia was just moving her arms like she does when she's trying to dissuade someone from touching her, but I noticed that it was twitching in the same way it was earlier. Since our pediatrician hadn't seen Alicia when she was twitching earlier, I asked the ER doctor if this was considered a spasms/seizure since I wasn't sure if I was just maybe misreading or imagining things earlier. He said that if we held her arm, and it stopped then it didn't count as a spasms.
But when he told hold of her arm, she continued to twitch, so he said, yes. These were definitely spasms, so he told us to give her the medicine that our pediatrician had prescribed. Then he told us to go over to the side and wait, so they could get a blood sample, and insert an IV into Alicia and wait for them to get our room ready. While getting her IV inserted, I noticed that Alicia was once again looking to her left and her eyes did the rolling into her socket thing again, so I know that I hadn't been seeing things earlier. But just as soon as it started, it stopped and Alicia calmed down.
While we were waiting for our room, the ER doctor came over and talked to us some more. He said that judging by the fever and the spasms, one possibility was that she had a case of meningitis. What's that you ask? Well, we had to ask the same question. It's basically, a bacterial infection of the membranes covering the brain. Sounds scary, right? Yeah. Well, he said they needed to run some tests, but seeing her symptoms, it was a possibility.
Of course, I at that point promptly whipped out my cellphone and started researching meningitis. At which point a nurse came and took us up to our room.
We finally got settled into our room, and laid down to get some much needed rest after a long and harrowing day. Little did we know that the next day would be even more tiring.
Since this is getting long, I'll end this story here. And pick it up tomorrow. =D
To be continued . . .
Thursday, August 30, 2012
Her Eyes
Hey Friends,
When you get the chance, would you please pray for Alicia's eyes?
Linda took Alicia to see the eye doctor today for a followup appointment. According to him, Alicia has some degree of myopia or nearsightedness of about 400-500. And I've noticed this too at home, that when I'm far away from her, she doesn't seem to be able to see me. Sometimes, I'll sit far away from her, and I'll call her name, and she will respond, but not by looking at me. She'll kind of look around to try to find where I am. And I'm not hiding in any way, I'm just sitting far away from her. This doesn't concern me too much, since most Asians grow up wearing glasses or corrective lenses so that's not the end of the world. Besides, I think kids with glasses are cute. =D Of course, ideally, she won't need any glasses at all, and will have perfect vision, because no matter what, glasses or contacts do get to be burdensome at times.
The one thing the doctor is slightly concerned about is that he noticed when Alicia looks at things up close, her right eye doesn't seem to move to the right very well, resulting in her being a bit cross-eyed. He says if this condition doesn't improve, it may require surgery to correct the positioning of her eye. Not simply laser surgery, but actually physical surgery that re-positions the eyeball.
Naturally, any time we hear the word surgery, especially for a child so young, our hearts cringe and get heavy. But my belief is that Alicia will be fine. We prayed and will continue to pray, and we believe that every part of Alicia's life and body is in God's hands. He's got her.
So we're praying and believing that she won't need this surgery and that God will restore her vision to 20/20. =D
So please pray with us, and for us as this is another aspect of Alicia's development that we will need to monitor and continue to follow up on. Ask God to give Linda's Momma's heart peace that Alicia will be A-Okay! =D
Thanks, friends.
Campbell
When you get the chance, would you please pray for Alicia's eyes?
Linda took Alicia to see the eye doctor today for a followup appointment. According to him, Alicia has some degree of myopia or nearsightedness of about 400-500. And I've noticed this too at home, that when I'm far away from her, she doesn't seem to be able to see me. Sometimes, I'll sit far away from her, and I'll call her name, and she will respond, but not by looking at me. She'll kind of look around to try to find where I am. And I'm not hiding in any way, I'm just sitting far away from her. This doesn't concern me too much, since most Asians grow up wearing glasses or corrective lenses so that's not the end of the world. Besides, I think kids with glasses are cute. =D Of course, ideally, she won't need any glasses at all, and will have perfect vision, because no matter what, glasses or contacts do get to be burdensome at times.
The one thing the doctor is slightly concerned about is that he noticed when Alicia looks at things up close, her right eye doesn't seem to move to the right very well, resulting in her being a bit cross-eyed. He says if this condition doesn't improve, it may require surgery to correct the positioning of her eye. Not simply laser surgery, but actually physical surgery that re-positions the eyeball.
Naturally, any time we hear the word surgery, especially for a child so young, our hearts cringe and get heavy. But my belief is that Alicia will be fine. We prayed and will continue to pray, and we believe that every part of Alicia's life and body is in God's hands. He's got her.
So we're praying and believing that she won't need this surgery and that God will restore her vision to 20/20. =D
So please pray with us, and for us as this is another aspect of Alicia's development that we will need to monitor and continue to follow up on. Ask God to give Linda's Momma's heart peace that Alicia will be A-Okay! =D
Thanks, friends.
Campbell
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
Therapy
Hi Friends!
I'm sorry, I've been so absent from the blogosphere. On the one hand we've been busy with life and taking care of Alicia. On the other hand part of me has felt that things have been pretty steady and there isn't too much to report.
But allow me to catch you up a bit on the last few months.
In the few months since my last post, we've been busy. In July, my mom, brother, and sister-in-law came to visit for us for a few weeks. That was a lot of fun. I especially loved meeting my new niece, Hope, for the first time, and seeing her and Alicia interact and play together.
Hope and Alicia were originally due two weeks apart last September, so it was interesting to observe Hope and see her size, and her development knowing that Alicia developmentally should actually be about at the same place. I know that as parents we're not supposed to compare. And I wasn't really comparing in the "who's better" kind of way, but I was just kind of using Hope as a reference.
In the end, I realized that each child is unique, and it was good to see what a kid born under normal circumstances would be like, but also to appreciate all that Alicia has been through and to celebrate who she is and her uniqueness.
During the time of my family's visit, Alicia started creeping and doing the "army crawl" as some people call it. At first, I had thought it was a fluke. One day I put Alicia down on the floor, I turned my back, and the next thing I knew she was farther away from me than I remembered. I thought I was maybe seeing things, but as the days progressed, I noticed her getting farther and farther away, until it was pretty clear, that, yes, indeed, our daughter was mobile.
And boy was she mobile. Before things like wires and stuff were no threat, now we have to constantly watch her and set up barriers, otherwise, we will end up with a big mess, in many, many ways.
So that's a huge thing to celebrate and be grateful over.
Another great thing is that through some family connections we were able to get Alicia an appointment with one of the premier pediatric physical therapy hospitals in Taiwan. While Alicia has been getting regular checkups and evaluations at our current hospital, and for the most part was falling under the range of "normal", our pediatrician still recommended that we take Alicia to another hospital for a second opinion. I think she saw a few things in Alicia that indicated slight developmental delays, so she felt that it might be better to go to a hospital with a stronger physical therapy department.
We went to one hospital and we just got a bad feeling all around. The doctor there barely gave us the time of day. When we walked into the office, he didn't even look at Alicia. He simply looked at her records, entered it into the computer and then sent us away to set up an appointment for therapy. When we went to set up the appointment we were told that there was a waiting list and that we would need to wait two to three weeks for a physical therapist to become available and SIX MONTHS for a speech therapist. SIX MONTHS! Well, thinking there was nothing we could do, we put Alicia on the list.
One month later we still had not heard a word from this hospital. Even though they had told us they'd be in touch in a couple of weeks. BIG RED X on that hospital. Thankfully in the meantime, my aunt whose father (my great-uncle) has a lot of connections with doctors was able to contact one of the heads of physical therapy at another local hospital. Things at this hospital were a completely different story.
They too were booked solid, but thankfully because of our connections, we were able to get Alicia an appointment with a team of therapists that was recently vacated because of a cancellation. Within a week, Linda and Alicia were at the hospital visiting with a team of therapist and setting up appointments for further evaluation.
Over the next few weeks, Linda took Alicia to meet with four therapists- a physical therapist, a cognitive therapist, an occupational therapist and a speech therapist. Each evaluated Alicia and wrote their prognosis of Alicia's development up to that point. The evaluation covered things like, motor skills (sitting, creeping, crawling, etc...), speech (cooing, babbling, etc...), cognitive skills (picking things up, reaching, etc...),
Today, Linda went back to get the results. Unfortunately, the results were not as glowing as we had hoped.
When you think of it, we could definitely use your prayers for both Linda and Alicia.
First, they weighed
Alicia and in the two months since she was last weighed, she's only gained about
3 ounces which is really not a lot at all. Now we're not sure if it's just
because there is a discrepancy between the scales at the two hospitals or what, but this bit of news was a
little disheartening for Linda. I'm sure you can imagine, as a mom, you really
hope and pray that your kids are getting bigger and stronger every day. And
especially for a Mom of a preemie, you really hope that they're getting heavier
and growing. You hope that all the struggle of trying to get your baby to eat would result in some weight-gain. But to find out that she's barely gained any weight at all is a bit
discouraging.
Then, she met with
the cognitive therapist and he shared some concern because a few months ago when
they did the evaluation, they felt that Alicia was doing pretty well, she was
cooing and making sounds and doing about 80% of what other kids at her age were
doing. But now, she's almost one year old (based on her original due date) and
according to the therapist, Alicia hasn't progressed very much since her
evaluation.
So after hearing
the news, Linda was just feeling really down and discouraged and really doubting
her capabilities as a mother. She was feeling like she was not doing enough for Alicia, and that she was taking her out too much, and being too lax with her schedule, etc... Doubts that I'm sure many moms face. Definitely, definitely lies from the enemy.
To add insult to
injury, after walking out of the therapist office, she saw other moms with their
babies and all of them had their moms or mother-in-laws with them supporting them. And being that both of our moms are in the states, she was
just feeling like she was on her own dealing with all of this. Now, Linda is a strong woman, so for her to feel
like this really shows that she's struggling. As a husband it's hard for me to
hear this, because I want to be there to support her and to encourage her, but I
couldn't because I've got my work responsibilities.
Praise God though,
that he is ever present and he is always with us wherever we go. We are never
alone. And Linda knows that and she takes great comfort in that. And praise God
that Alicia's life and development is in his hands. The doctors are experts but
they are not God. They can only evaluate based on what they know from past
experience. Our God is Jehovah Rapha the great healer. He is Alicia's creator
and he knows how her body works.
So I have no doubt that Alicia is going to be perfectly healthy and normal. God gave us a verse for Alicia when she was still in her incubator.
Psalm 118:17 "I will not die, but live and proclaim what the LORD has done."
Alicia WILL proclaim what the Lord has done, and while yes, I know that there are many ways to proclaim other than through words, but I BELIEVE that she is meant to proclaim through speech the miracles that the LORD has done in her life and in her body. I KNOW and I KNOW that my daughter will speak. She will run. She will dance. She will sing. She will play. She will pray. She will do all of the things that any healthy child will do and MORE!
And once again, I am faced with the decision, do I listen to the therapist and get discouraged or do I take it as a message from God showing us how to pray and how to bless our little girl. I am going to take it as the second, thank you! And I rejoice! I rejoice that God has shown us how to pray and what to pray for. I rejoice that we get to witness in so many, so many ways God's miraculous power.
You know, we all want miracles, but none of us want to be in a place where we need to receive one. Well, I thank God that he has put us in a place where we can not only see him work, but also that we can be witnesses and proclaim his miraculous work in our lives. I thank him for showing us where there is "lack" so we can pray "fullness" and "completeness" into that void.
It is an absolute privilege to be aware of where things are maybe not ideal, and then to watch how God make the undesirable things into fantastic things, how he takes the imperfections and weaves them into masterpieces. So, yeah, I love that we are now aware of where Alicia might have some challenges, so we get to see how he's going to remove them and make them into her advantages. Yes!
We thank the Lord, that he has provided for us a place where Alicia can get amazing help, so that she can get a leg up. We thank the Lord, that we live in a country where these things are covered by insurance, so we are barely paying anything out of pocket for all of this.
SO PRAISE GOD. PRAISE GOD that we are made aware of a "problem". So that we can watch how he solves it. How exciting!
Right now, I'm waiting to hear back from Linda about the other therapists. But I have peace. I'll try to keep you posted as the information comes in, but in the meantime, join with us, will you?! Let's pray complete healing and wholeness for Alicia. Pray that she would catch up developmentally and even surpass those of the same age group. Also praying for peace for Linda that she would know that she is a great Mom and just be able to give any discouragement over to God. And just pray that Linda and I would have wisdom on how to help Alicia, to be the best parents we can be, and to train her up in the way that SHE should go!
Right now, I'm waiting to hear back from Linda about the other therapists. But I have peace. I'll try to keep you posted as the information comes in, but in the meantime, join with us, will you?! Let's pray complete healing and wholeness for Alicia. Pray that she would catch up developmentally and even surpass those of the same age group. Also praying for peace for Linda that she would know that she is a great Mom and just be able to give any discouragement over to God. And just pray that Linda and I would have wisdom on how to help Alicia, to be the best parents we can be, and to train her up in the way that SHE should go!
Thanks for walking
with us through all of this. You guys are the best!
Love,
Campbell
P.S. I forgot one HUGE praise! It's a well-known fact that preemies and ex-preemies often have weaker immune systems than most. We've heard many stories and warnings of preemies who are constantly getting sick. Well, not our Alicia, by God's grace, in the 10 months that we've had her at home with us, she has only had a slight cold once, and has been otherwise the epitome of health! We are SO SO thankful and rejoice over that. As anyone with kids knows, having a sick baby is no fun. So we thank God for protecting Alicia and keeping her so healthy and strong. =D More Lord, More!
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