Campbell just went to sleep. Alicia is sound asleep in her Moses' basket. It's just me up again. And somehow I found my way to Alicia's blog and trying to write down some coherent thoughts. Being coherent is kind of fleeting for me these days. Is that natural part of being a mom now? Just kidding. .. I think.
But truly, there are so many times I want to write to you all and thank you personally and communicate with you my heart and thoughts. Back when I was still living to see Alicia twice a day at the NICU, I would ramble off to Campbell my heart. He would encourage me to blog about it, saying that people would want to hear "how I am doing" and "what's going on with me" and these revelations I'm having. He said it would encourage people. I want to encourage people. I like encouraging people.
Yet when I get in front of the computer, and go to our blog and click on a "new post"... and when I see that blank page of all that whiteness... my mind does exactly that... blank. White. Nothing. So then I just sign off because I can't just sit there trying to think of something to say. One, because I don't want to force it. Second, I'm tired and I don't want to do anything that is draining. Thirdly, I'd probably need to eat, sleep or pump. So many excuses, eh? :)
Funny when inspiration would hit me though. Usually it was in the car on the way to see Alicia at the hospital. I would get a light blub moment in the quietness of the car ride. I would think and ponder and go OH God, that's good! Thank you for that. I should blog about that. And then... I didn't. Truthfully, I'd rather watch a good episode of the current Korean drama I was watching.
So now after Alicia is home with us for a good two plus months, I find myself wondering... yeah, how am I doing? I am not sure.
Since I turned 30 last week, I had such good times hanging out with some dear friends. All of them would ask me in different ways the same question: "How are you?" It's a question I've asked people for years. And it's a question I take seriously. When I ask people that question, I do mean it. I want to know how they truly are. (Can you tell I don't small talk...) I love that question and I (used to) enjoy answering that question myself. I believe that I am pretty self aware. Yet, this week when my friends kept asking me that question, I found myself evading it until I just realized. I have no idea how I am doing. I feel very numb inside.
On the most part, I am so uttttterly thankful. I am so completely in awe of the Lord. He alone carries us through and continues to hold us in His love. I see Him in every moment of discovery with Alicia. I praise Him at each growth in her. Overall, I am happy. Thrilled. Content. Tired, but truly happy to be home with my husband and daughter. Yet, there is a slight discord in my spirit.
What is it?
I realized that I am finding myself again. I am rediscovering who I am and what I've become through the (early) arrival of our precious Alicia. Since she came on the scene, I've let go of all thoughts of "how am I" and lived only on survivor mode. I did what I had to do. I ate, slept and pumped and visited her. I prayed and trusted the Lord. I watched (A LOT) of Korean dramas. I loved on other preemies and parents at the hospital because it came naturally since I've been through what they are experiencing. Now at home, I am very much preoccupied with taking care of Alicia. And I so am enjoying it. Still in my heart and spirit, there was this numbness that I can't explain. This disconnect between my mind and heart.
I think it's only now that I'm slowly thawing out and processing. So hopefully, I'll be blogging a bit more now. I hope to share with you. More. In time. Because there are some jewels in this journey. I'm getting all the spoils of this battle, my friends. Oh yeah. Praise the Lord. He knows how to position us for victory. We definitely did not go through this fiery furnace for nothing.
I know Daddy is walking with me through this and expanding the tents of my heart. I am forever changed. Just like every woman and man who becomes a parent. Isn't God amazing to write an unique tale for each one of us?
There is more to come!