After writing the previous post last night, I really wrestled with God for awhile.
Why aren't you helping Alicia? Why aren't you helping her get better? You know what the vent is doing to her body, this can't be a part of your plan can it?
As I struggled I felt the Holy Spirit speak to me.
He said, "Do you trust me?"
Yes, Lord, but . . .!
"I'm taking care of her. Leave her to me. And no she will no matter the outlook now, you must trust that Alicia will not have permanent lung damage or eye damage. I will bring her out of this, you must look beyond your circumstance."
In resignation, I gave up and just said, "OK. I give. I trust."
Yet within my heart, I still felt a seed of resentment, that is until God pointed something out to me.
Why do I feel that I have any right to demand anything from God? Yes, I am his child. Yes, because of my faith in Jesus Christ, I have been adopted into the family of God, and with that, I have rights and privileges. I have access to the Heavenly Father. I can talk to him, I can ask him for things.
However, being a child of God does not give me the right to be a spoiled brat. In essence, I was starting to throw a tantrum last night.
"I want it! I want it now!! Give it to me! Give it to me!
Any parent of a child 2 years old or older will tell you what this experience is like.
So yes, I can ask, and I can plead, and I can talk to my Father about my need. But what I don't have the right to do is to get angry or offended when he doesn't do things MY way.
Truth is God owes me nothing. NOTHING. In fact, I'm the one who owes him my very life. He created me. Physically, I wouldn't be here if it were not for him. Spiritually, my life would be a mess if he hadn't pulled me out of the mess that I had created for myself. (That's another story for another time.)
Basically, my point is that throughout my lifetime, God has already given me far more than I deserve in terms of his grace and way more than I deserve in terms of the discipline and punishment for the bad choices I've made. He's already done his share. And in fact if we were living under the law of quid pro quo, and he stopped doing anything more for me from this day forward, I would still owe him more than I could ever pay back.
Thankfully, we don't live under the law of quid pro quo, but under grace, and God is abundantly generous, so I can continue to seek him and ask him when I have needs.
However, what God reminded me last night is that I don't have the right to throw a fit because things aren't working out the way I would like them to. I'm not entitled to anything. Everything he does is extra. It's a blessing.
The fact that Alicia is alive today and not dead. That's already a miracle and a gift already. The fact that I live in a country where insurance will cover most of Alicia's hospital stay, again another huge blessing and miracle. The fact that we have a free place to live while we wait for Alicia's discharge from the hospital, another gift. I mean there are more blessings than I can count.
Yet I still act as if God hasn't done anything, and I act as if he's a cruel, uncaring God who dares to deny me my request.
Who am I?
In Psalm 8 it says
3 When I consider your heavens,
the work of your fingers,
the moon and the stars,
which you have set in place,
4 what is mankind that you are mindful of them,
human beings that you care for them?
It's so true. Who are we that God would be mindful of us, and cares for us? And yet he does. He loves us and he's mindful of us. He knows when we stand and when we sit. He knows every word before it comes out of our mouths. He knows every hair on our head. He knows.
And you know what, I've said this before, He loves Alicia more than we could ever love her. He has got an amazing plan for her future and he knows just what she needs in order to fulfill that plan. So he's got it, he's taking care of her. Maybe not on my timeline, but he's doing it.
And the amazing thing is that God humbles himself to partner with us. He humbles himself to hear our requests, to allow us to talk to him, and ask him for things. Actually, he not only allows it, he desires it. He wants us to talk to him.
And yet we take that privilege and try to turn it into a right. We go from asking to demanding. OK, wait, no change the pronoun. I... I take that privilege and try to turn it into a right. I go from asking to demanding.
So I'm sorry, Lord. You don't owe me or my family a thing. You've already done way more than we could ever ask for or imagine. The amazing this is that you will continue to do so, for that is your nature and you would never do anything to go against your nature. I'm sorry that I ever doubted your goodness and your faithfulness. I'm sorry that I threw a tantrum because I felt that you were being cruel or coldhearted. You are more loving, and more gracious than anyone I know. Even in this, you are not angry, you only gave a gentle reminder. And truth is, you know how I feel. When Jesus was on the cross, you didn't save him. Though it hurt you to see him suffer, you allowed him to die for us. You knew there was a greater purpose. So we trust in your plan. I trust that it is not your desire for Alicia to have permanent lung damage or eye damage. I trust that no matter the prognosis, you are the ultimate physician and have the perfect timing for everything. Father, I just lift up Alicia into your hands. I ask that you would watch over her and guide the doctors and nurses in their care of Alicia. I ask that you would give them wisdom. Where there are problems, I pray that you would give them insight to catch it quickly. Where there are triumphs, I pray that you would encourage them and help them to know that they're doing a great job. Lord, specifically we ask that you would get Alicia off this ventilator as soon as you think is best. I pray that you would heal the damage that has been done in her body through the use of the excess oxygen. I ask Lord, that you would restore her body to be better than that of any regular newborn. Thank you, Father. I give over my life, and the life of my family into your hands.
In Jesus Name