Visiting hours just ended and once again I rely had to fight the frustration as we stood outside a window seeing my daughter but not being able to touch her. All the other family members were crowding the window and jostling for the attention of the one nurse that was assigned to our children. We're learning that if you're not aggressive, you can easily get overlooked.
As I stood there looking in the window watching my daughter, and observing her surroundings, I couldn't help but feel like I was at a zoo and my daughter and her new roommates were the animals on display.
My one solace was that thanks to special favor and connections we would soon be able to go in and visit with our daughter without all these people crowding us. I kept teling myslef just be patit for a few more minutes and then you can hold her. That is until it came time to actually go in.
The nurse came to the door and called Alicia's name. I jumped up from my seat and walked over to her. The nurse looked at me like I was some deranged fool, "Where's Mom?" she asked me. I turned around and pointed to where Linda was sitting.
"Mommy, don't you want to feed your daughter?"
"It's OK. Let Daddy feed her."
"Oh, I'm sorry, but we've got another mother in there right now breastfeeding. Daddy can't go in."
Linda gave me an apologetic look as she stood up and walked into the NBC. I sat down, defeated.
Once again I'm pushed to the sidelines.
I am pissed off. Why in the world do so many women complain that men don't do their part and then when a man wants to do his part they won't let him! She is my daughter darn it!
I know people will read this and tell me that it's OK, to calm down, to not worry. Well, I'm not worried. I am frustrated. I want to hold my daughter!!! I am not a father who is content taking a passive role in the care of my daughter. I want to feed her, I want to hold her. She's mine!
I am really fighting here and I am tired of it. I'm tired of fighting for time with my daughter, I'm tired of fightqing for her health, I'm tired of fighting traffic to get to the hospital, I'm tired of fighting for space by a window. I just want life to be easy, is that too much to ask?
Through it all though, I have to say that God has been really good to us. Wherever we've gone we have had special favor with the medical staff and 've often been granted some special privileges. Even though I can't go in, at least Linda can go in. As Linda pointed out, so many families don't have the opportunity to go in and spend extra time with their kiddies. All they have is the 30 min./ 15 min. outside the window, looking but not touching their children, and that's it. At least God has provided the chance for at least one of us to go in and spend time with Alicia.
It's at times like this that I want to figure out a way to change hospital policy, but what can I do? God give us wisdom.
Our baby is in God's hand. She is ultimately his daughter and in his hands. He knows the care that would be best for her, so we just trust.
By the way, I know that it sounds like I am bashing the hospital, but really the hospital is just doing what they think is best for the children. Just because I don't agree with the way they do things, doesn't mean that they give bad care or that it's a bad hospital. They do take good care of the kids, and it seems like Alicia is resting well here. She's definitely looking bigger and bigger and heard skin is looking a lot clearer than it does at home, so this time is good for her. And honestly, I wouldn't mind it so much, if I could just go in and be with her.
He makes all things beautiful in his time.