Sunday, October 30, 2011

The Provider

Some of you know, and some of you don't, that I have been in a sort of a funk lately. I can't remember exactly when it started, but I think a lot of it is centered around trying to find my purpose, direction and destiny in life.

I mean this is something that I've been trying to figure out for quite a few years now, but I think since becoming a father, a lot of the struggle has been intesified.

There is so much that I want to do an so much that I want to accomplish, yet in many ways I feel stuck and lost as to how to move forward. I feel paralyzed in a way because there are so many different roads to choose from.

Also, it feels like in some ways that there is this giant wall blocking my way to my destiny and I've been struggling and struggling trying to find a way over it, but to no avail.

Many of you know that one of my big dreams has always been to be an actor and to make it big on both stage and screen. And I've been able to reach that goal to a certain degree but I want more.

For as long as I can remember, I've also wanted to be a father. I've loved kids since, well since I was a kid. I don't know why. God has just put this heart in me to love on the little ones. Thankfully, this past year, this goal has been fulfilled.

I also, as "ungodly" to some as it may sound, want to be rich. I'd like to live in financial freedom and not necessarily need to work just to make money. I'd like to be able to provide a life for my family and not ever need to worry about paying bills. I want to work out of pleasure and not out of necessisty.

For me, a lot of the struggle these past few months is that I feel like I don't know how to marry these three main goals in my life. I feel like if I focus on one or the other without the other two suffering. If I work on my entertainment career, that takes away time from family and work. If I work on work, then entertainment and family suffer. And if I give my time to the family then I feel like I'm neglecting the other two.

My wife, wise woman that she is, sensing my struggles invited several of our close friends over to our house to encourage me. Man, it was good.

I was reminded that God has a design and purpose for me in this world that no one else can fulfill, and that in the right time he will lead me to finding my way through that brick wall that I've been sensing looming over me. Also, one of the friends spoke something, that I took deeply to heart, and it felt like water to my thirsty soul.

He said that as he was listening to me share, he felt God saying that for right now in this time of our lives, I should focus on being the father and the husband, and to not worry about being the provider. God is the provider. Oh, man. That was good to hear.

I think a lot of my struggle was wanting to pursue my dream, but also wanting to be a good husband and dad, and also wanting to provide a good life for my family. I felt like I was being pulled at the seems and I was coming apart. I felt guilty when I was pursuing my dreams because I felt like I was neglecting my family and other resonsibilities. However, if I was with my family, I'd feel guilty because I felt like I wasn't providing.

But I really like the reminder that God is the provider. He is Jehovah Jireh. The GREAT provider. And honestly, I've seen this truth evidenced so muh more clearly lately than any other time in my life.

Over and over during the past few months, in preparation to bring Alicia home, we'll talk about needing this or that, and miraculously within a few days, someone on their own accord will talk to us and offer us the very thing that we had just talked about needing without us mentioning a word to them.

For example, we knew that we needed a stroller, and after looking at various ones, we felt that it might be good to get a stroller that had a detachable carseat. Lo and behold, not a week after talking about it a friend of ours called telling us that they'd like to give us their stroller/carseat because their own bundle of joy had outgrown it.

Then we talked about needing a sterilizer for Alicia's bottles and pacifiers, and not long afterwards, my brother calls me from the states asking if I needed a sterilizer since they had been gifted with two of them.

The same goes for preemie clothes, books, diaper changing pads, carriers, a bathtub, a breastfeeding cover, a mosquito net, curtains, lotion, soap, safety gate, bottles, and the list goes on and on.

Did we do anything to deserve this? Definitely not. It was all the grace of God and the love and kindness of our friends and family. THANK YOU to many, many of you for your kindness, love and generosity. You have been an amazing blessing.

So, yes, I will continue to focus on being a good father and husband, and leave the rest in God's more than capable hands. =)

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